Completely Incomplete
by Kazamigorical
Summary: Set and most written during S6 before Sam was reunited with his soul. Been a long time, but story is finally complete now. Description: What's up with Sam? Dean wants to know. He's all weird and seems to like it like that. Can Dean get through to him and convince him the old Sam is the best Sam?
1. Chapter 1

**Completely Incomplete**

**Chapter 1**

Okay so here he was standing right beside me and here I was biting my tongue. He still wasn't talking and I still wasn't asking.

Only that was getting both of us nowhere - fast. And the thing was I didn't know where to start. I'd tried, I had, but the guy just fed me with all kinds of denials and cover ups I couldn't break through. He was fine. He told me enough. Came out of hell _all good_.

Right.

It scared me he believed that.

"So what do you think?" He asked me still staring at the dead body splayed in front of his two feet.

_I think I want you to tell me what is going on with you. _

"Could be anything." My mind wasn't on this job. That wasn't from lack of trying. Whenever I caught my thoughts drifting I pinched my forearm or thigh as hard as I could through my jacket pocket to get back with the program. Being distracted in this line of work was dangerous. I had to remember that. Always.

"Samuel thinks it could be connected to the other deaths." He told me for like the third time.

Samuel, Samuel, Samuel.

So over Samuel.

"You said that."

He squatted down and pushed at the guy's bare chest.

"Sammy?"

"Yeah?" The guy's insides poking through his outsides didn't seem to faze my brother at all. He merely took hold of his shoulder and turned him slightly to search for any more damage.

"Speaking of Samuel," Even though I wished we never had to, "I think we should let him deal with this."

"Why?" He turned his head and frowned up at me confused. Offloading a case wasn't like me but Sam wasn't like Sam either and after everything, I felt like now was the time to hit this.

"Because he can deal with it." I shrugged. "What else is he doing?"

"Umm, helping Christian with a boatload of decapitated Engineers."

I scrunched up my face. "What's that about?"

"Exactly."

"Still…"

"Hey look at this."

"What?" I crouched down next to him and followed his gaze to a hole in the guy's back. "Gunshot?"

"Looks like."

"No, maybe not. Look here... ."

So there it was, back on the job, the both of us. Work interruption again. For Sam that was preferred, for me it was another time waster. I wanted to sus all this out and more than that, I wanted my brother back. Every single time I wished for that though, guilt slapped me right across my face. I had my brother back. My brother was back. Here he was right next to me but as much as the old Sam could frustrate the hell out of me, stir me right up and pull me right down, I just wanted him back.

Dinner was in another diner. That was fine but it wasn't me choosing it any longer. It was Sam. He probably didn't think I'd noticed but I had. Not often did we get take out, never did we eat back at the motel. He wanted other people around us. The reason, I guessed, was so I couldn't drill him about anything. I was onto him in that regard. The more distractions he surrounded himself with the less time and chance he had to face the real deal.

He ordered a steak sandwich. Pretty close to a burger. Downed all the fries before I could even get through half of mine. Not a salad or a single vegetable in sight.

"What's with you going all me-like with the food?" I asked him.

"Huh?"

"Well not your usual meal of choice."

He shrugged and looked through me it felt like."Sam?"

"Just felt like it is all."

I nodded.

"Anyway, red meat equals protein." He shrugged again.

"Gets me through." I smiled and bit into my double bacon cheese burger.

"Gwen makes good burgers." He smiled back at me. "I'll get her to cook you up some."

Oh Joy! A barbeque with the wonderful Campbells. Couldn't wait.

"They're not bad people." He had the nerve to say to me when my response wasn't one of complete enthusiasm like he obviously wanted.

"No, they're lovely. Really." Sarcasm oozed out of me but I didn't care. Not a fan and I wasn't going to pretend I was.

"If you just gave them a chance…"

"When didn't I give them a chance?" I frowned a bit put out. I might have been on the defense as soon as I laid eyes on them, but sure as hell they were on the attack. No one. Not even their one true supporter could deny that. Could you Sam?

Nope, not a fan.

"They just need to warm up to you."

"Look forward to it."

"Dean." He sighed and for a split second I saw a flicker of a flustered old Sammy. Would it be wrong to lean over the table, grab hold of his shoulders and pull him through? Impossible, I know but wrong? Surely not wrong.

"What?"

"I think you could really get along with them. That's all." He took another bite and so did I. Not convinced but not willing to let him know that. Sure, these egg shells under my feet were beginning to crack with all this mounting pressure but it was still too important to me to keep most of them intact. Yes, that was the one thing getting in our way but it was also the one thing we needed the most. Who knew what would happen to him if I forced everything to crumble and crash around him.

Back at the motel, he took a shower and announced he wanted an early night. Nothing new. I wondered if he remembered he said that the night before too… and the night before that. Sometimes I honestly believed his self-awareness was left in tatters down in the pit along with the rest of him.

I swallowed but nodded. Sure thing Sam. Anything to distract you. Even the nightmares that make you scream your lungs out at seem more appealing than talking to your own brother. I get it. I do. But not for much longer buddy. It ends soon.

Just as soon as I figure out how.

_(To be continued…__) _

_Thanks for reading! _


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Mornings like this start off all wrong and I blame myself.

It's just…Why does it piss me off so damn much when I wake up to Sam outside on his phone? The vision of him pacing back and forth across the other side of the window just bugs me to no end. Was it because it brought back crapped up memories of all those secret calls to Ruby or was it because I knew it was another Campbell? Sam needing to check in with them or take instructions from Samuel …or filling one of them in on details they really had no business knowing.

They weren't a part of this hunt; we were; Sam and I, so why the hell did they have to be informed?

He fought taking orders and being controlled by dad his whole life so why in God's name would he by A-okay with it now and worse; take it so well with strange-ass people he'd only known a year? It just rubbed me the wrong way.

So when he ventured back in and nodded some kind of greeting at me, I was already in a mood.

"Samuel said…" I sat up in my bed and rolled my eyes while he continued, "we should head over there before going any further with this case."

"And why's that?" I humored, although not too well.

"Because," He jumped up on the kitchen counter and picked up the newspaper we had delivered. "It sounds like it could be connected to another death last night. One that Gwen is checking out as we speak."

"Why can't they come here? Or I don't know: call?"

"Because all of them are going to be there."

"All three?" I raised my eyebrows at him. Three to two wasn't all that much of a difference to me. Why couldn't they make the trip over here for once? Make some sort of effort. Or even better; move to New Zealand.

"It's base Dean." He said as he finished scanning the front page and turned to the second.

"It's their base."

"Well it's my base too."

"Not mine." I grumbled tearing the blankets off me, pushing myself out of the warm bed and grabbing a folded white towel from the top of the closet.

"It could be." He simply stated turning another page. "That's what everyone wants."

Throwing the towel on the dining table, I waited until he looked at me. He didn't. So I spoke. "And why does everyone want that?" They didn't like me. I didn't like them so why in the world were they so desperate to make me one of them? When I was anything but one of them? Seemed a bit weird to me.

"You're family."

"_I'm_ family? Me? _I'm_ family?" I couldn't help but snap at him.

Finally he looked at me while I glared back at him. He got it, he knew how that sounded. Like I was the outsider; like he was part of them and they were a part of him and I was simply the stranger invited in out of the goodness of all their open and wholesome hearts. Including Sam's.

Give me a frigging break.

Dropping the paper on his lap he sighed; "You know what I mean."

"Do I?" I was so sick of this feeling in my guts escalating every single God-damned day let me say that for a damn, freaking fact.

"Dean come on. You know I meant they're our family. You know that."

His hair was still wet from his shower and he looked so young sitting up on the bench exactly like he did when he was a kid. I half expected him to swing his feet and bang the back of the plasterboard but that was the old Sam and the old Sam wasn't here anymore. Just straight and stiff and distant Sam. And different Sam. Always different Sam.

"I'm having a shower." I said before I exploded into a million pieces.

He picked up the paper again and folded it to study the top headline. "Hot water ran out when I was in there."

"Awesome."

XxxX

So here we were on the way to the Campbell base.

Why? I still wasn't sure.

How? I had no idea.

Seems like Sam had the run of the show at the moment. Somewhere along this fragile and tearing line I lost the ability to have a voice. This, as anyone could imagine, did not sit well with me. I didn't want to go to this "base". What I wanted was for Sam and I to find this murderous, sick, supernatural freak and rip its sadistic head off. Why, pray tell, did that require a conference with three others?

So I asked my brother and he replied. "Because they think they know what it is and how to kill it."

"Ripping its head off – whatever it is – will probably kill it Sam."

"Dean do we really have to do this again?"

"I just don't see the point of driving hours away –"

"One hour."

"- when we can do this ourselves." Makes sense right? Yeah. i thought so too.

"Samuel said-" He dared to say.

"Don't even Sam. Seriously."

"You wanted to know." He shrugged before turning his face away to concentrate on something already passed through the window.

"I wanted to know why _you_ think they have to be involved. Not why they do." I said turning left into an intersection instead of swinging a u-turn like I really wanted to.

"Because it sounds like they have more of an idea on what it is we're dealing with." He responded as if his logic explained it all.

"Yeah on that…" It was hard as all get out to talk to him when his head was facing away but I gave it a shot anyway. "Since when do we not figure out what it is ourselves?"

"What's the point when they can tell us?"

"Wow." His devotion astounded me. " You really do trust them don't you?" After everything he'd been through, he trusted these people with his life; with both of our lives. Why was that? How did that even happen?

"They haven't been wrong so far."

"Yeah, well, I just don't like it."

"You just don't like them."

True that.

And yet that wasn't enough for my brother and here I was driving the both of us exactly where I did not want to go to see people I really did not want to see. To talk about things I absolutely did not want to talk about – with them.

In a mood.

Good times.

_(To be continued…)_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you for your reviews! **_

**Chapter 3**

Did I mention I hated this "base"? It was dark and depressing, cold and uncomfortable but for some reason Sam seemed completely at ease in it, walking around as if he owned the place while I followed behind him like a lost puppy. It made me sick.

So I stopped – just as he did too, omitting any kind of stand I was attempting to make. Much to my displeasure we had come face to face with our wonderful, long lost relatives. Oh joy. Just the sight of them made me want to do a happy dance.

"Boys." Samuel nodded stepping over to Sam and handing him something that resembled a folded piece of paper. I couldn't see what it was and my darling brother offered no explanation.

"So what are you thinking?" I asked our grandfather with a frown so intense it hurt. He moved back to his chair situated at an old, crooked table while Sam slipped the paper into his back jeans pocket. "What's that?" I questioned him cutting off Samuel's attempt at a word. Enough was enough. No longer was I going to be shoved aside by these people.

He didn't answer me, instead choosing to take a seat next to "Grandpa" and picking up a loose bunch of rough notes to read. When this caused Christian and Gwen to share one of their mocking smirks, I just about strained my shoulder to check for my keys.

"Candiru." Samuel said to me while I wondered just how I could storm out of this place without looking like a preteen girl with P.M.S.

"What?"

"Candiru." He said again while I continued to stare at him blankly. "You said bullet hole right Sam? Well a Candiru is a catfish that eats its victims from the inside out leaving a wound much like a bullet hole. "

"A catfish?" I asked incredulously stifling a laugh.

"Why not?" Sam asked absently. "It says here -"

"What is a catfish doing killing people in their own homes?" I interrupted amused enough to go along with this for the moment. God knows I needed a laugh.

"Like we said Dean, monsters aren't exactly acting normal these days." Samuel said sitting further back in his chair and clasping his hands on his stomach.

"Look." Sam stood up and moved over to me with one of his sheets. "It says here humans have been found full of these in the Amazon River"

"Okay the Amazon River. Not here. Not on a midnight rampage with no water around for miles."

"Weirder things have happened." Sam turned back to Samuel, "I agree this is what it is. So how do we kill it?"

"Go fishing." I couldn't help but taunt. This went unnoticed by oh, just about everyone. No actually; everyone. They all looked at Samuel as if he was some sort of God with all the answers; including me.

"It depends." Was his amazing reply.

"We could just rip their heads off" I grumbled to myself.

"On what?" My brother asked our grandfather all interested-like.

"If they are actual catfish or if it is a monster pretending to be a catfish. I think it just may be a monster. I mean these catfish can hunt on land for short periods of time but not long enough to hunt down humans and as Dean said; go on some consecutive rampage."

"Oh come on, do you hear yourselves? You are talking about catfish here." I laughed more than over this now.

"I know it sounds ridiculous."

"No more ridiculous than anything else we hunt." Sam said in my defense. Oh did I say "my defense"? Sorry, my mistake. Nothing he said anymore was in my defense. "Come and read this stuff Dean." Sam motioned me to follow him over to the table. I was so sick of following him anywhere so I remained still. "It will make more sense to you then."

"How about I read what you put in your pocket instead?" My heavy glare didn't seem to faze him all that much, but then, what did lately?

When Sam didn't answer, Samuel jumped in. "It's just –"

"I'm talking to my brother." I said not moving my eyes from Sam's.

"Fine." Sam shrugged reaching into his pocket, pulling out the crinkled note and stepping back over to me with his hand outstretched. I snatched the paper a little too roughly even I had to admit but hey, right then I didn't even care.

When I opened it to find a series of numbers, I looked up at him. "What is this?"

"A combination." He answered as if I was the stupidest person in the world.

"For what?"

"A safe." Samuel answered. "With some vital information for a case Christian is working on. Sam said he would look into it seeing as though it is closer to you than us."

What the hell? "Breaking and entering?"

"Just like we do every day." Sam had the nerve to say to me.

"No way." I stated. "No way. Forget it." They were absolutely not going to use Sam to do their dirty work. They could do that them- God-damn-selves.

The very second I turned my attention to Christian he stood up and took a step towards me with the same cocky attitude he always emitted. I hated this guy.

So freaking much.

"It's just a quick in and out Dean." Sam tried. My mind was swirling so fast I almost couldn't hear him. All I could do was stand there and wait for our second cousin – or whatever the hell he was - to dare speak to me.

"You got something to say?" I challenged when he didn't open his mouth.

"No worries Sam. I'll do it myself." He eyed Sam with that smug expression that made me clench my fist. "Don't mind a drive tomorrow. Maybe we could grab a beer afterwards. That is, if big brother says it's okay of course."

_So freaking much._

"I've got it." Sam said, a sensitive spot pushed. "You don't have to come Dean. I can take care of it myself."

"Let's go." I said before stepping over to Christian and throwing the piece of paper I'd scrunched into a ball at his feet. "You – " I pointed a finger in his face, "do your own dirty work. Do not set him up to take your fall. "

"He has done it before." Gwen stated. "Before Christian and I even knew about you."

"Well, now that you know about me, you know he won't be doing it again. Okay? Great." I gave her my brightest fake smile. "Sam. Let's go."

"Go." Samuel okayed him. "Call me later. Dean-"

"What?"

"It was good to see you again."

And I wished I could say the same about them.

"I cannot believe you just did that!" Sam exclaimed as _he_ rushed to follow _me_ out to the car.

"You're an idiot." I replied getting my key ready.

"What the hell?"

I spun around on him. "Exactly! What the hell Sam? Why would you be okay being their whipping boy?"

"What?"

"You break into a safe, you get caught, who do you think takes the fall?"

"I won't get caught. I never do. I know what I'm doing. I'm good at my job Dean."

"You're an idiot."

"That's not what they think."

"Oh yes they do. That is exactly why they are getting you to do stuff like that. Don't fool yourself Sam, there is something not right about them and for some reason you are too blind to see it."

"Oh here we go. Dean on his high horse again. You are no better than them so quit acting like it."

You son of a bitch.

"Really? That so?"

"Really. They are hunters just like us. Good ones too that have a plan. They don't just go in half cocked willing to shoot up anything that moves. Everyone has a part to play and everyone plays it. There was just one thing I had to do and you screwed with it."

"So what?"

"What?"

"So what?" I repeated meeting his cold, hard stare.

"So you can't just mess with that stuff. It throws the whole plan out."

"You know what? They want to use you like that…screw the plan. The plan sucks. And you should know that. Now let's go hunt these God forsaken catfish monster things." I said unlocking his side of the car.

He didn't move.

"Unless you don't want to. Unless you would prefer to be used by those people."

In all honesty I expected him to spin around on his heels and take off in the direction of his base; to choose them once again. But, much to my surprise he didn't. Instead he let out a huff, opened the passenger side door of the Impala and slammed it shut as hard as he could behind him.

I tried not to smile as I moved to the driver's side. Especially not smugly.

Oh well, I tried.

I failed.

Sue me.

_(To be continued…)_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

How do you bring up this wussy-girl crap? What I wouldn't give for him to look away from that dusty, passenger side window for one God-damned minute and say to me, "So, let's talk…" Man, I didn't know what I had when he'd do exactly that…all the freaking time. If only I knew then what I knew now. That was gold. This was torture.

"What's so interesting out there?" Jeez I was good wasn't I? So deep and meaningful. I amazed myself.

When I strained to hear his mumble but ended up hearing nothing but a slur, I took a deep breath to calm myself. It didn't work. "Sam, I can't hear you when you are facing away from me."

So he shrugged.

Which got me all the more worked up. Lucky that, because it was exactly what I needed to find my voice. "Can you at least look at me when I'm talking to you?"

So he did, but not with an expression I much liked. He wasn't doing it to be nice or to even humor me, it was sarcastic and cold and to be honest, it chilled me to the bone. Without another choice, I pushed that aside and opened my mouth again, "What made you come with me?"

"You have the car." He shrugged again. "I needed to get back to the motel somehow didn't I?" His tone was even and full of truth. I could see it. I shouldn't complain. Ever since he'd been back I wanted just that; the truth. Unfortunately for me, the few times I'd been lucky enough to get it, it felt worse than if he'd lied to my face.

"I'm sure one of them could have driven you back."

"There was no reason to stay."

"Except that you wanted to."

"We have what we need."

Even though I was sure the reason for the trip was the combination I couldn't help but wonder why he was so eager to help these people. I mean they were shady at best. As shady as I'd ever seen. Yet here Sam was blindly following their every move, without question. Probably wishing he was there with them instead of here with me. I didn't get it.

"Yeah catfish. We have catfish." I said.

"If you bothered to read the notes or think about this," he said with more passion than I'd heard all day, "you might have worked out we are talking about Skin walkers; not actual catfish."

"That's not what Samuel said. He said they may be actual catfish and if that is the case then – we have no case." If there was one thing for certain, right now, the last thing I wanted was a stupid damn hunt that could consume him. They were like an addiction for him now, an obsession and it was slowly turning me against them.

"Except that catfish are killing people."

"Sam I want to talk about you, not catfish or Skin walkers okay?" I just blurted out of nowhere and probably too fast. It took awhile for him to catch up and when I saw the tilt of his head and that glazed yet intrigued look seep through his eyes, I felt like smacking him.

If I kept my own eyes on the road I wouldn't have to see these new ones that were as unfamiliar to me as this screwed up feeling twisting in my gut. "You're freaking me out." I half laughed. Usually I would instantly regret saying such a thing to my brother, but my brother didn't seem to care about much at all anymore. So I forced myself to feel nothing right along with him.

For a split second.

"What happened to you?" I mumbled more to myself than to him.

"Nothing happened to me Dean. I'm fine. It's you. You are the one fighting our own family. Not me." Suddenly he burst back to …can I say; life? The suddenness caused me to jump a little but I kept my line of sight straight not willing to risk a glance at anything that resembled my younger brother. I simply could not handle seeing something other than Sam.

Other than Sammy.

"You're my family Sam. Not them." When I spoke the words, I expected to hear something in response that could quite easily crush me once again. While I waited for it I closed my eyes for a second to prepare, flinched when he shifted in his seat and breathed out when I felt his head turn back to the window.

Best case scenario I guessed. I got off lightly…Considering.

XxxX

The shower helped but only slightly. The warm water pelting down on my face and body only cleaned away the dirt from the day, not the rest. And the rest is what I needed washed away the most.

Nowadays, I took longer in the bathroom. It was my one escape and I often left the water running after dressing. Just so I could sit on the toilet seat, lean my head against the cold wall and close my eyes without raising any suspicions in Sam. Although in reality, I doubted he'd even bother wasting a consideration on how long I was taking in there. In fact he probably used the time just as I did; to be alone with his thoughts.

No, actually, scrap that. That definitely was not what he did. Sam and thoughts, if unrelated to a hunt seemed to be estranged now. Who knows what he did? Not me that's for sure.

By the time I stepped back into the room it was later than dinner time. I'd regrouped enough to suggest we skip out to the usual diner to eat. We hadn't eaten nearly enough all day and I was as hungry as a bitch. A good burger or a massive steak would go down a treat right about now.

Only when I glanced around the room, Sam was nowhere to be seen.

Nowhere.

My next instinct was to check my car.

Gone.

He had taken off with my car. And no guesses as to where.

That little…piece of work.

That's it! He was dead. I was going to kill him!

I absolutely, one hundred per cent could not believe he actually picked up his cell when I called him. Of all the freaking nerve. "Hi." He said as if he was on his way to the store to pick up some milk. _Hi!_ Was he freaking kidding me?

"Are you freaking kidding me?" I boomed down the phone.

"I'll be an hour tops. I'm just getting out of the car now."

"And the combination?" I asked him mystified.

"Was only a phone call away Dean."

Dead. I was going to kill him dead! "Get the hell back here with my car right now Sam!"

"I'll be an hour."

"Now! Right now. Turn yourself around and get your ass back here!"

So I could kick it from here to Scandinavia!

"If I do I will only catch a bus – or steal another car– is that what you want?"

"Sam-"

"I'll see you in an hour." And with that, he disconnected the call…causing me to smash a hole the size of my already clenched fist in the grimy wall.

_Oh buddy boy. You have no idea what you just did. No idea at all!_

_(To be continued...)_


	5. Chapter 5

_**I know I am updating really fast, but I have never run a story alongside episodes before and it is kinda freaking me out. lol. Just had to put this one up before tomorrow's 6.06.**_

**Chapter 5**

"I'm going to kill him!" I announced to Bobby over the phone. My knuckles were so bloodied and aching from punching the stupid wall I felt like punching it all over again. "You have to calm me down before I literally kill him." I told him sincerely.

"What's going on?"

When I finished explaining the whole screwed up deal he told me what I already knew: "That doesn't sound too good."

"You think?" Pacing around the place didn't help me. Nothing helped me not even hearing Bobby's voice like I'd hoped.

"Dean-

"Bobby I need you to calm me down!"

"Okay. So how would you like me to do that?"

"I don't know! Do what you normally do!"

"What do I normally do?"

"I don't know! I can't even think at the moment. Seriously." Just help me and quick for God's sake!

"Let me call him. See what I can get out of him."

"Fine. Good luck with that. Call me straight back."

One thing I couldn't resist doing; packing my bag. And as soon as that was done; I unpacked it and threw my clothes half way across the room. Straight after that, I picked them all up again and scrunched them back into the drawer.

For the time being!

At least until after I killed him.

Being in the rational state I was, I then picked up my phone and called my grandfather.

"Sam and I are out. We're out." I greeted. "You can deal with this case yourselves. And if my brother comes back in one piece after the mission you sent him on, just so you know; I'm gonna kill him!"

"Dean calm down. He just called a few minutes ago. Everything went well."

Why did I breathe out a massive sigh of relief? If that didn't aggravate me even more. I had to quit caring. Honestly I really had to quit caring.

"You knew I didn't want him doing this and you gave him the code anyway!" I screamed at him.

"He's a grown man Dean."

"Don't even say that to me. You know nothing!"

"I know he wanted to do it, otherwise he wouldn't have."

"Don't you get it? This isn't him. This isn't Sam." I said knowing my words would have no impact at all and rubbing a permanent indent into my forehead.

"What isn't? Hunting? Getting the job done? Saving people? From what I've heard, this is exactly him."

Oh he was manipulative. "You don't understand and you won't because you didn't know him before!"

"Before what? Before he went to hell? You don't expect a person to change after going through that? You of all people -."

Okay, enough was enough. "Something is going on here; with Sam, with you, with your not-quite-right posse and for some reason, even though I'm out of the loop, I'm guessing you need me around for something. That's what I'm guessing."

"You're my grandson."

"No there's more to it than that. I'm not stupid. You are all pretty eager for me to stick around even though you are keeping me on a need to know basis. You're up to something and you need me around for it… so here it is; let me tell you one thing. If you don't take on this damn, crazy -insane case and leave Sam the hell alone until I say otherwise, I'm gone. You'll never see me again. Up to you."

"I can see you get your temper from your father's side." He grumbled in response. Interesting there was no denial there. Had to file that one away for later.

"Leave my father out of it – and leave Sam out of it. If you are all such fantastic hunters, you can take care of this yourselves. Shouldn't be a problem. As of now Sam is on vacation and so am I!" I informed him squarely. "We'll send you a postcard."

Just as I hung up, Bobby's call came through. "Hello?" I fumbled with the phone not sure if I'd connected or not. "Hello?" I said again as flustered as I'd ever been.

"He got in and out no problems. No alarms, no cops. He's fine."

"He's not fine. He's nowhere near fine Bobby."

"Kid, you know what I mean."

"Did you tell him I am going to kill him?" Because I really wanted him to know. No surprises.

"I told him he has a lot of explaining to do."

"Umm…" That was the least of his problems.

"He knows you're pissed Dean."

"Let me guess, he doesn't care."

"He cares. He might not show it but he cares."

"You seeing something I'm not?"

"He's Sam. Enough said."

Obviously he didn't get it. At all.

"If only."

XxxX

My plan was to let him step into the room before I smashed his face in. But me having my father's temper and all, bolted out the door the second I heard the Impala cruise back in the car park.

"Give me the keys and get your ass inside!" I yelled at him as soon as I saw his stony face emerge from my car. The quickest flash of something caught my attention before downcast eyes took over. He closed the door calmly and handed me the keys. I couldn't help myself and shoved him inside with both hands.

He spun around and said a slightly apprehensive, "Wait Dean."

I didn't. Instead I did what I did to the wall and punched him as hard as I could. This was going to be a fight, I knew it. I had no doubt whatsoever he was not going to take this like he'd taken my hits in the past. He was different Sam and different Sam had no mercy. Whatever. I was ready. Sign me up.

"Nothing went wrong." He surprised me by saying while standing there rubbing his jaw. "The Impala's fine –"

"Screw the Impala Sam! It's you I'm worried about."

"But why? I don't get it. We break into places all the time. You've never had a problem with it before."

"Because you are trusting shady people again and putting yourself in danger because they tell you to. You know what happened last time you did that."

He swallowed.

"Not to mention that once again, you are feeding me lies all the frickin time! But what's worse is that this time you don't even seem to care."

"I'm not lying."

"Crap! That is a load of crap and you know it!"

"About what?" Finally I was getting some emotion even if it was a confused frown. It seemed though that the more I yelled at him the more the old Sam came through. So I continued to yell. Because if I stopped I was scared stiff I'd lose him all over again.

"Everything! And now just to add to it, you're taking off on me. As if you sneaking off with Ruby wasn't bad enough, now you're doing it without even giving me the courtesy of sneaking around!"

"You want me to sneak around?"

"No! I just want you to care enough to feel you have to!"

"Dean, I do care." There was that fake new Sam expression back. I missed his too sudden return. What? Did I blink?

"And there you go again; another lie!"

He straightened up. Looked at me square in the eyes and widened his own in one hell of a creepy-ass way. New Sam was definitely back, old Sam was definitely gone again. I shook my head to mask the sickness it made me feel and waited for his reaction.

"You got it all wrong Dean."

Oh my God.

I had no choice. What else could I do but punch him again...and again?

And again.

_(To be continued...)_

_**Thanks again for the reviews reviewers! I appreciate them! :) **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Apologies for the change in quotation marks. I just like these ones better... for so many reasons!**_

_**I am posting this on the fly and in a hurry to beat 6.07. Sorry for any mistakes.**_

**Chapter 6**

Be damned if I didn't want to race over to him as he fell back against the kitchen counter and looked up at me. Be damned if I didn't want to keep beating his ass until I couldn't punch any more. Why I didn't do either of those things I had no idea. Why I just stood there like an idiot I didn't know.

He winced as he pushed himself up. I half expected him to lunge at me, to settle the score, to take me down just as I had him but he didn't. When he found himself upright he paid me the insult of once again lying to my face. 'I'm sorry.'

Which was worse. Much worse.

While I felt my blood pressure hit an all time high, I nodded. Appearing calm I might add, even though I was anything but calm. 'You know what?' My mouth spoke without consulting my brain. 'You can have your hunt. You can have your base. You can have your damn Campbells.' I pulled my bag from under my bed as he watched me. 'But you have them on your own. I'm done. I'm going home.'

Ever try to control your shaking? Or your adrenalin when you know you are acting on pure red, hot emotion rather than rational thinking? Virtually impossible, let me tell you.

However, my stubborn side was now taking control of my body and here I was yanking out my clothes even though I knew this wasn't what I wanted.

I just wanted my brother back. That's all, that's it. How leaving him was going to make that happen was beyond me but it was all I wanted and I doubted it would ever leave me, no matter what.

'Dean – Stop.' He said, and that's all it took for me to do just that and turn my head towards his marked face. 'Don't go.'

'You've given me no reason to stay Sam. No reason at all.' I told him. 'At least back there I know I'm wanted and trusted and not lied to every second of every day.' I wanted to finish right there but I couldn't. 'At least they treat me like I matter and am not some pawn in some game no one is telling me about.'

'You're not some pawn Dean.'

'At least they don't take off and go behind my back-'

'I said I was sorry!' He interrupted frantically. Panic officially setting in. Man, was I relieved to see that... but not that relieved. Not enough to let him off the hook.

'But you didn't mean it!' I yelled in the hope of getting through to him – just a little bit.

He shook his head and took a step forward. 'I know it was wrong. I do.'

'But you don't care.'

He looked away so I went back to my packing. If I left now and drove straight through I would be back at Lisa's at daybreak. I imagined her smile at my arrival; wide and bright. Same with Ben. They would both be freaking overjoyed to see me and that, right now, was something I desperately needed.

'I would if I could.' He muttered causing me to halt and snap right back into the motel room at full force.

'What?' I questioned resting my hands on my bag.

'I would care…If I could.' He repeated but this time to the wall. 'I just…I can't.'

'Great Sam. That's just great.' Once again I managed to let my guard down and once again he managed to rip me in two. I pulled the bag open some more.

'No you don't understand Dean. Just stop doing that for a minute. Please?'

'What is going on with you?' I questioned not moving, not breathing, not blinking.

'It's better this way.' He said to me kind of spaced out. 'At least I only remember.'

'Remember what?' I frowned, knowing I should be more patient but still too wound up to be so.

When he pulled out a chair from the table and sat down I willed myself not to think bitter thoughts. I wasn't comfortable so why should he be? The thought of pulling it out from under him crossed my mind but then, being the more mature of the two, I ordered myself to grow up and let it go. Very hard thing to do let me just say.

'Hell.' He said simply. Which in turn almost made me throw up. I pulled out my own chair, ignored the offensive screech it made along the cracking, beige tiles and sat down opposite him. 'What about Hell?' I asked a bit lost at what he was finally telling me but anxious not to lose him before he could say another word.

'I remember.' He glanced at me and said lightly. 'But that's all.'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean I don't feel much anymore Dean - which is a good thing. I can remember Hell but feel nothing, hunt without fear, do without regretting. I know there are drawbacks but don't you think the good outweigh the bad here?'

It was now he picked to be genuine? Right when it scared me the most?

'I'm good at what I do.' He continued looking me in the eye. 'Everything is just black and white now. Just like it's always been for you.'

'Hold up-' I raised my hand and interrupted. 'What do you mean you can't feel – or have no fear – or do without regretting? What does that even mean?'

'Not all of me came out Dean and the part that didn't is the part I can do without. It's the part I'm better off without. It might take some getting used to, but you wait and see. It's better for everyone this way.'

'What part?' I said with sheer urgency even though my body was frozen still. The only thing left shaking was my voice. 'What part Sam?'

He peered at me from under his eyebrows as he spoke the words, 'It sounds worse than it is.'

I waited, holding my breath.

'My soul.'

I blinked.

'Turns out I don't need it anyway.' He actually smiled. 'Who knew?'

I felt my head move up slowly, but then it started to swirl and even though I could still see him looking back at me hopefully – or should I say expectantly…or something…maybe, I took the deepest breath I could muster and did the only thing I could do.

'Cas!' My scream was intensified by the sheer horror excreting from every pore in my body.

'Dean-' Sam gave a laugh. 'It's okay.'

I stood up and stepped all the way back into the fridge still watching my possible-soulless brother while preparing to give another almighty shout out to my angelic friend.

'Don't freak out. You don't have to be scared.' I heard Sam's voice but it had no effect. So I called again.

'Cas!'

'Dean, it's still me.' He went on.

'Cas!'

Finally, the angel appeared in front of me. 'What the hell?' I said to him only just managing that.

'It's true. ' He nodded. 'Sam is without his soul.'

'You knew?' Sam asked him shocked…(Maybe? Maybe not. Who could tell?)

'No. I just heard what Dean was calling for and I took the time to confirm it.'

'Wha-?' It was fair enough I couldn't speak right?

'Dean-' Cas said to me in his soothing but flat tone. 'He did come out of hell without his soul, but Sam-' he turned and faced my in fact soul-less brother. 'It didn't stay in hell.'

'Well,' Sam frowned back suddenly uneasy. 'Where did it go?'

'That.' Cas said with a frown, 'Remains a mystery.'

_(To be continued...)_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I sat down on the edge of my bed and buried my face in my hands only just hearing the murmur of Cas and Sam's conversation. No words were breaking through my screwed up head but I figured I would get to them later. Right now I had to think and make some sort of sense from this.

When that didn't work, I glared up at my brother and frowned. 'You knew and you didn't tell me?'

He stopped mid-sentence and looked back at me. 'I didn't want to freak you out.'

'Bang up job Sam. Really.'

No soul. He had no soul. Just a body? A shell? I mean he had thoughts right? He had nightmares and brain function. He said he just didn't care – and didn't feel fear. Was it just fear? I mean, sometimes I caught a flicker of emotion in his face, I was positive of that. So what? Was he pretending? Acting like he thought I wanted him to? But why would he bother doing that? If he didn't care, why would he bother? I didn't get it. I didn't get any of it.

No soul.

Here he was walking, talking, breathing and frowning, yet the kid had no soul. How was that even possible? I mean when I sold my own, when it was time to collect, I had to die. I didn't go on existing without it. So how on earth was he here, back in the land of the living?

I couldn't reconcile it. I couldn't put the pieces together not even from my own experience – or my father's – or Bobby's. None of it added up because basically I didn't think it was possible and honestly I didn't like the sound of it.

'You don't have to worry.' Sam voice sounded as if he was a million miles away. 'It's still me and I still have your back. We just don't have to deal with all the rest of the stuff this way.'

He was actually happy about this?

How could he actually be happy about this?

When I made that deal…

Oh my God!

Suddenly a thought struck me and as I bolted upright, Sam took a step back. 'You stupid son of a bitch!' I screamed at him. 'You made a deal didn't you?'

'Dean.' One hand was outstretched holding me off in his usual "let me explain" stance. 'It wasn't like yours – or dad's. This was to stay out of hell, not to stay in.' He said quickly.

'Sam,' Cas stepped in front of us which was a good thing because I was about to throw my brother across the room. 'Who did you make a deal with?'

'And what was it?' I hissed.

The idiot looked from me to the Angel and back to me, wisely choosing to answer my question first. 'Just to get out of there for the price of my soul. Of course I took it right?' He flinched slightly. 'Of course I took it.'

'Sam, making a deal never ends well! You know that.'

'It can't end worse than it was.' Was his logical reply.

'What are the terms and conditions? What's the contract? I mean is there a time limit? What happens when that time is up?' They were just a few of the million questions I had but judging by the look on his face he didn't think to find the answer to even one of them. I literally had to stop myself from grabbing hold of his shoulders and shaking him. 'Sam?' I clenched my jaw.

He looked at Cas and when he didn't offer any kind of help, he glanced back at me. 'I just had to get out of there. I had to. And when I was offered the chance, how could I refuse? Think about it Dean. You would have done the same thing.'

'But your soul?'

'Small price. Best price.' He told me. 'Like I said, right now I remember hell but I don't feel it. It's kind of pretty perfect don't you think?'

'Anything but.' I grumbled.

'No listen, think about it. I'm out of there; I can hunt and see you again. Dean, even if it is just for a few years, it's a few years less that I have to spend there. Just please try to understand that.'

I could feel tears prickling at my eyes but for sure I couldn't tell which part they were reacting to. Once again I slumped down on my bed, rested my elbows on my knees and considered ripping every hair out of my head all at once.

'Sam,' I heard Cas say. 'Who did you make the deal with?'

Nothing. No reply.

'Tell him!' I ordered unable to look up but hearing the commanding tone in my voice. I closed my eyes as I braced myself for the reply.

'Michael.'

My body reacted before I could even think and once again I found myself on my feet. 'What does that mean?' I questioned Cas not even thinking of doubting that. Out of everything I'd heard that was the piece of information that made the most sense to me.

'I don't know. Sam-' Cas asked him, 'what did he say to you?'

'Just that he needed it. I don't know what for. I didn't really care at that point.' Sam responded before looked at me. 'Dean, I didn't have a choice.'

'You always have a choice.'

'Okay.' He nodded as he squinted his eyes. 'So you would have preferred if I stayed there? Is that what you're saying? No deal was worth me getting out ? Because really, I have to disagree.'

He had a damn point. He did. So I looked at Cas in desperation. 'Can you look into this for us? Find out what you can?'

'Yes.' He replied without blinking and disappearing before I could say another word.

'I don't want it back.' Sam said softly but definitely.

Stupid, damn idiot thing to say to me. 'Without your soul,' I said moving faster than I ever had and getting up into his face, 'You are nothing.'

And that was probably the meanest thing I had ever said to him. Yet even though he looked down between us at the floor, he wasn't upset or offended. Just remembering he should be. I was sure.

'I didn't mean that.' I said to him feeling guilty regardless.

'Yes you did.' He nodded. 'But you will get used to me. You'll see.'

'Dude,' I said to him as two tears finally made their escape, 'I just want my brother back.'

_(To be continued...)_


	8. Chapter 8

**_Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews!_**

**Chapter 8**

It was probably unfair to let it go on for so long but curiosity got the better of me. I needed to know they received the message loud and clear even if the stress on my brother's face intensified with every failed attempt. Let's just say the outcome satisfied me. Greatly.

'They're not going to pick up.' My face was calm, not smug. That was on purpose.

The sigh and the shake of his head indicated this did not impress him in the least but the dropping of his phone beside him on the bed and the tug to pull his laptop closer suggested acceptance. 'What did you do?'

'Took us out of the case.'

He nodded not surprised and tapped on his keyboard. A frown followed accompanied with a slight flustered tone. 'You know they have too much happening to take on another case, don't you?'

'Who? The most magnificent, brilliant, gifted hunters in the history of the world?' My sardonic tone tilted his head and when his eyes met mine, I added a dry; 'They'll manage.'

'And if they can't and more people die?'

_Yes, slap me with guilt Sam. Slam me down with it. Well done, you hit me exactly where you intended. But no, you aren't going to know that._

'They will.' False confidence oozed out of my voice helping _me_ be the one to fake it this round. 'Anyway,' I continued unscrewing the lid from my juice, 'we have something else to work on.'

'Not me.' He grumbled banging harder on a few more keys.

_Yes you. Exactly you._

This whole thing; I needed his help with. Last night he wasn't up for hearing my counter argument so I left it alone determined to bring it up again in the morning. What do you know? Much to my frustration, this morning he didn't seem any more receptive to the idea. The guy didn't have a soul and didn't want it back. That was it. As far as he was concerned; case closed. So I went with it for the moment. Purely because I knew I had to. At this time, I couldn't push him.

I didn't think.

I mean this person sitting to the side of me wasn't someone I understood. Sam complete with soul; how to act, what to do, how far I could push him was second nature to me. No one knew him like I did. Now it was like I was living with a stranger; someone I had to learn all over again. And with something this huge, without the old Sam to help me out, I could admit, I was in over my head.

'What's wrong with your computer?' I asked him when the sound of his thumping fingers and the constant, high-pitched beeping began to drill into my skull.

'I don't know.' He continued to frown. 'It keeps freezing on me.'

'Turned it off and on?'

The look I received almost made me laugh and cry at the same time. Such a typical, patronizing glance; such a Sammy look. 'Of course.'

'Maybe you need a new one.'

'No, it works some of the time. Just randomly stops here and there. Maybe it's a hardware problem. I'll see if I can fix it.' He stood up and made his way to his bag in search of what I guessed would be his pocket knife.

'Why bother?' I couldn't resist the dig.

'Because we need it fixed for it to work properly.' It was another one of his condescending tones but because he didn't catch onto my meaning, he stupidly left himself wide open. This was actually awesome to me so I went with it deciding to blow the _leave-it-alone _attitude of the past minute.

'Well you can see the screen still…and I hear the beep when you keep banging the damn keys. And like you said it works sometimes. Maybe that will do.'

His face scrunched up signifying he thought I was an idiot, but instead of commenting, he shuffled down further in his bag allowing me to continue.

'I mean it doesn't have to work perfectly right? Just so long as it looks the same and talks the talk. I mean what else do you need?'

'Okay-' He said finally pulling out the knife and turning to face me. 'I get it.'

'Do you?' I squinted up at him.

'Yes. I know what you are trying to say. But,' He lifted the knife and flicked it open. 'See this.' The glare of the sun shining through the window caught the silver blade and reflected hotly in my eyes. 'This is not going to hurt the computer. When I fix it, it will just work again. A billion freaking memories aren't going to come crashing back down on it making it worse than it is now. I am trying to repair it, not break it further. So,' he said, moving over to his bed and taking a seat, 'do you get that?'

I swallowed realizing only then what his words did to my insides. 'You wouldn't have to go through it alone Sam.'

'Yes. Yes I would. And Dean, you can just stop right there because I don't want it. This is better, the way I am now. You just have to get used to me and you will. I promise.'

Watching him yank the power cord roughly from the back of his laptop, flip it over and begin to unscrew the bottom didn't push the parallel any further from my mind. '_You_ need to be fixed to work properly again Sam.'

The massive breath in seemed to last forever, as did his sigh out and I wondered if he was counting to two hundred and ten in his head. 'I work fine. I get the job done. And all I need from this laptop is the same.'

'But you aren't you without your soul.'

He stopped. dropped his arm and glared at me. 'See, I am not putting my expectations on this thing. If it does the job I will take the online lagging, the error messages that keep popping up and the inability to shut down on occasion. Hell I will even take the scratches and dints and the fact that it doesn't close without a shove from me. I'm not going to just throw it away because it isn't exactly like it used to be and I'm not going to just trade it in because it doesn't always do exactly what I want it to. I accept its faults and I work with them. The only time I fix the thing is if it can't do the job and I can do the job!'

'You not having a soul is like that laptop not having a motherboard.' I stated trying to ignore his belief that I was the selfish one here. 'Even if the computer doesn't realize it, the thing won't work properly without it.'

'The thing won't work at all without it.' He told me moving a chunk of his hair from his eyes. 'I still work without a soul.'

'Not properly.'

'Dean, enough!'

No, not enough. My brother without all of himself will never be enough!

'You need your soul Sam and I am going to do everything I can to get it back to you. That's just the way it is, like it or not.' I tried my hardest not to yell, to keep my voice even yet forceful. 'Everyone needs a friggen soul! Now you can either help me or not.'

He shrugged and answered coolly. 'Or not.' And went back to unscrewing his screwed up computer.

'Then I guess I'm on my own.'

'Yeah, well, I guess we both are.' He replied pulling the bottom off so he could scrutinize and fix _its_ insides.

_(To be continued…)_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Sam glared at me as he breathed out once again in a huff. 'Can you please do that outside?'

He asked politely but politely sucked right now and as I called for Cas again, I took some sort of enjoyment out of watching him pull one of his classic scowls. At least it was something right? And God knows I needed something; anything to get him to feel again. Just something so I had a chance to get through and appeal to the side of him that would agree to help me search for his friggen soul.

'Cas!' I screamed all the louder.

'You're being really immature. You know that right?' He snatched his fingers away from the keys at last. His anger – or whatever - was building, there was no denying that and if pushing some more meant I would get that 'something' I was searching for I was going to do it. 'Cas!' That and I needed some answers from a higher power. How else one goes about finding a soul to shove back into one's brother was beyond me.

'Yes? What?' Cas frowned at me as he flittered into the room and nodded a terse greeting at Sam. Sam nodded back before simply returning his fingertips to his laptop. I have no idea how but the guy without a mechanical bone in his body somehow figured out how to fix the God-damned thing.

Not what I wanted.

'What have you found out?' I asked him with a frown. So hard to get him here nowadays. Pissed me off.

'That heaven is about to be taken over by-'

'About Sam. What have you found out about Sam?'

He glared at me, I glared at him. Sam didn't look up.

'Well?' I asked.

'There _are_ some things I found out.'

It was then Sam's gaze followed mine to the angel in front of me. Progress I hoped - half-heartedly of course. No point building myself up again only to get trampled on in the next second.

'So spit it.' Why did this feel like it was going in slow motion?

'Do you want to sit in your car?'

'Sorry?' While that seemed like a strange request even from this weird-ass dude, those eight words peaked Sam's interest to an all new level and caused him to stand up. A little more hope swelled in me.

'What's going on?' He asked him. We both waited for the angel to speak, both holding our breaths, both standing as straight as a line next to each other.

'We should sit down.'

Since when did he need to sit down, I didn't know but I did so without another word just to move this thing along. Sam stepped backwards to his bed slowly, pushing the laptop to make room for himself while Cas leant against the window sill and rested his hands beside him.

'It's true,' He started, speaking to me. 'The deal was made with Michael. It seems Michael had the power to ping Sam out of the cage. Just not himself. '

'Right?' Just hearing this little piece of information made me more than a little uncomfortable. It was all too big for us. Way too big. I doubted I would ever get used to us playing any kind of part in these ethereal issues and battles.

He looked at Sam before turning his attention back to me. Why was he hesitating? This meant bad news didn't it? It must. No one ever hesitates when it's good news. Why would they? It's a freaking joy to tell people good news. It all comes out in an excited rush.

Not so much when it is the other way around. When it's the other way around, you get a lot of…this.

'And Michael wants out. It was Sam's job to get him out.' He went on.

'I don't remember this.' Sam frowned.

'No you wouldn't. He didn't need your physical body.'

'Just my soul.'

'Yours and others. But it was your soul's job to recruit the others and get him out. That was the deal.'

'And?' I jumped in a little too fast desperate to hear all of the details in this unreal story. Cas was telling it all so matter-of-factly. Hesitantly yes, but just like he was telling a general not-so-happy tale. Nothing as if we were talking about a day in the life of a soul for God's sake.

'And, well, no luck.'

'What does that mean?' My frown wouldn't leave me. Sam was now hanging his head trying to remember some of this with no success. His confusion worsened my patience. 'Cas?'

'It means-' the angel said, 'he couldn't do it. Michael is still in there.'

'Okay?'

'So Michael has no use for him anymore. He has moved on to a higher power. I'm yet to find out what or who that is. Some of us think it could be-'

'And Sam's soul? Where is that?' I interrupted, not because I didn't care about Michael but just because - well – I cared about the location of my brother's very essence somewhat more. 'You said it was out of hell right? So where is it?'

'Only recently. It hasn't been out of there long.'

'How recently?' Sam asked.

'Your time? A few months.'

'So where is it?' Why hadn't he answered that yet? Kind of important don't you think?

'Dean, calm down.'

What? I was calm. I was proud of myself for staying so calm. It didn't matter that every single one of the veins in my neck and head were about to explode. Point was they hadn't yet. So I was calm! I was.

'Where is it Cas?'

Just answer the frickin question.

Like now.

Taking the time to purse his lips gave me time to consider grabbing him by his stupid trench coat and shoving him into the wall. Hurry the hell up already! Jeez!

'We don't know.' Oh my God, it took him that long to say that? 'I mean it's here. Well, not here exactly.' What was he talking about? Could someone please tell me? Anyone? 'It's on Earth.'

'Doing what?' Sam asked when I couldn't find my voice.

'Looking for you.' He said to me with sympathetic eyes. 'He's looking for you Dean.'

I've been kicked and punched in the gut before. I've been left winded and unable to find my breath for seemingly a lot longer than was humanly possible, but nothing – nothing compared to this.

'Oh God. Great. That's just great.' Sam sighed and flicked the laptop further from him. 'That's all he needs to hear. Thanks Cas. Brilliant.'

My mouth moved but nothing came out, my chest heaved inhaling way too much air– and then not enough. It felt like I was suffocating in it, drowning in its nothingness, overcome by its power. Before I could regain control, it worked faster. Too fast. Making me dizzy and faint and -.

'Dean, relax.' Sam's voice made me think of the time he followed me around school on his first day. Wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't even get him to stay in class.

'He's breathing too fast. How do we slow it down?' Cas asked him.

'By not telling him my friggen soul is searching for him. Are you kidding me?'

'It's the truth. He wanted the truth.' I only just felt Cas step over to me and peer in my face. 'What do you need?'

'Stupid question.' Sam grumbled to himself stepping aside and out of my line of vision. 'And one I don't want to hear.'

'Dean?'

'Why can't he find me?' I managed but only just.

'I think it's because Sam is so closed off to the idea of having it back. It's lost and wandering aimlessly. He's trying, he really is, but it's like he's stuck. We think he knows if he can join back with Sam he will find you. That's what he's trying to do but it's a problem. He can't find you without first finding Sam and he can't find Sam without first finding you.'

'Here.' This Sam appeared in front of me with the paper bag from the other night's beers. 'Breathe into that.' His lack of concern for himself, for his soul and for me pissed me right off; Sam with a soul would never be this heartless. I took his paper bag and scrunched it up right in front of his face. When he shrugged and stepped away, I threw it across the other side of the room.

'Can you help him?' I asked glancing back up at Cas.

'I am _him_.' This Sam said from his bed. 'That is just a soul. This is me.'

'Help him find me?' I ignored this Sam and questioned the angel. 'What do I have to do?'

'I think it's more what Sam has to do.' Cas said to me softly. 'He has to want him back.'

'Not going to happen.' I heard half of my brother say.

Cas turned to him. 'You should think carefully about that.'

I closed my eyes to will my head to stop swirling so I could at least think straight. The stuff going on with every other part of me could be handled later. I just needed my head to get through this and work out some kind of a plan.

'And tell me?' Sam replied, 'Michael wouldn't be too happy with this particular soul would he? Deal was broken right?' Sam's words snapped my eyes open. He had a point. What the hell did that mean for Sam now? All of Sam? Both parts of Sam?

'I told you.' Cas said. 'He has no more use for you. Your soul: it is damaged; it doesn't function the way he would like it to anymore, that's why he threw it out of hell. You are free from Michael. And Lucifer.'

'Just like that?' He asked dumbfounded while I sat there and watched their exchange as if time stood still.

'Sam, Michael isn't Lucifer – or a crossroad demon. He has no use for you any longer so he is looking into something else. He does not care about your soul. If he did, if he wanted vengeance, you and your soul would not be here, believe me.'

Sam swallowed. And said nothing more.

Which left the next line to me. 'Want it back.' I ordered my brother.

'I don't.' Was all he said in return.

'Sam, please. Just want it back.'

'But I don't.'

'Sam please!'

'No!'

'Make him Cas.'

'Dean,' the angel said to me giving me hope, 'I'm sorry, I have to go.' And within that split second he disappeared in front of my eyes.

'I'm going for a walk.' Sam said to me rushing out the door before I could tilt my head in his direction.

I didn't do what I did next out of anger, or spite or even hate. What I did next was the only thing I could do. The only way I could think of convincing my brother to offer in all his torturous memories, welcome in his relentless trauma and invite the remnants of his experiences of hellfire right back into himself.

I stood up…and did what I did next…just so he could be whole again.

Just so he could find me again.

_(To be continued...)_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

His walk took longer than my drive, which was a good thing really. It gave me more time with more opportunity and some space I could take advantage of. My only idea was complete but yet to be seen, my plan was underway but the result not yet determined. I had no idea how this would go down. He was going to be pissed, that was a given, but I wasn't worried about that as much as the outcome. If this didn't work, if I couldn't get through to him this way, I had nothing. Game over. And I didn't know how I could ever accept that as an option.

The motel door opened just as I called his name for about the fortieth time.

'I'm here.' He frowned as he stepped in. 'You thought I wouldn't come back?' His eyes met mine and then dropped along with his face. 'Oh. You weren't calling for me were you?'

No I wasn't, but how could I admit that to him? Even if the guy couldn't feel offended, I didn't have the heart to tell him I was calling for the other half of him; the half I desperately missed and needed. The guilt was automatic as was my need not to answer. My mouth shut and I waited for him to look at his bed.

He didn't.

'Where's the car?' He asked me instead.

'Somewhere else.' I hated feeling this way around my own brother; the awkwardness, the lack of sync and the apprehension of the reaction I was about to receive in approximately 3.5 seconds. Nothing about our relationship was any good anymore.

'What do you mean?' Finally his line of sight landed on the very thing I was waiting for him to see. 'What the hell?' His head darted to me before snapping back to take in the disemboweled laptop sitting dead on the bed. Suddenly I almost regretted displaying the messy mass of cords and split metal on top of the screen. Maybe that was a bit over the top and cruel. 'What did you do?' He asked rushing over to it, still wondering if any of it was salvageable.

It wasn't.

'It's broken.' I told him plainly.

'Oh my God! You and your stupid analogy! Seriously?'

'Seriously.'

'You killed my computer! We need this Dean!'

'That's not the only thing we need.' I said to his profile.

'This is not the same thing and you know it!' Tangled and cut threads slipped through his fingers until it finally sunk in just how irreparable it all was. After standing back on his feet, burning eyes glared at me and I noticed his clenched fists.

'Is to me. Look-' I wished we didn't have to fight about this, but I figured if we did, I had to follow through. 'The outside is exactly how it was. You're just missing the inside of it.'

Much to my disappointed calm swept over his face and that distant, evasive expression I despised so much took over. His hands unclenched and his body loosened. 'So we buy another one.'

Lucky I anticipated this. 'You left your wallet here. It's now empty.'

'Okay.' He said sitting back down on his bed and taking a deep breath. 'What else?'

He could find that out on his own. The second he got the hint I wasn't going to help him with any kind of response, he scanned the room. The next thing he found was the spot where his pillows used to lie.

'The pillowcases are still here.' I told him as I remembered explaining to the Manager that I wasn't actually stealing all of his pillows; just trying to prove a point to my idiot brother. Lucky the fifty dollars I handed him convinced him of this.

'Very funny. Hilarious Dean, really.'

'Not to me.'

The little shit checked my bed in case I kept mine. When he realized I hadn't, he stepped over to the closet where not more than two hours ago two spare pillows sat innocently on the top shelf. Now in their place were their own flat, white covers. The back seat of the impala contained exactly ten uncovered pillows in total. I was going to miss my four tonight.

The empty rack under the shelf grabbed his attention. Before yelling anything at me, he raced over to the drawers and checked every one of them.

All empty.

I waited.

'Where the hell are all my clothes?'

'You have nothing Sam. Nothing. There is nothing here.'

'I need my damn clothes!'

'You need your damn soul too but that doesn't seem to worry you!'

Just for curiosity sake, I was sure; he moved over to the fridge and opened it. 'Oh my God. You really cleared everything out didn't you?'

'Yep.'

No food, drink, crockery, cutlery, appliances, nothing. Everything that wasn't bolted down and could fit in the car, I took and parked –in the middle of nowhere – not far away but far enough from him.

'These things,' He turned to me and said, 'are things I need.'

'You have your wallet, the pillowcases, the closet, the fridge and the cupboards. All these things work without anything inside them. They do the job. Isn't that all you need? Didn't you say so yourself?'

'And the computer? Or was that just a revenge thing?'

'It opens, it closes. Like I said, it looks the same. Same body, missing interior. Just broken.'

'Dean! Why don't you get this?' Some passion sparked his tone. His anger was back. This didn't scare me. It helped. So much easier dealing with a person rather than a robotic machine.

'I do! I do Sam, I get it. I get why you don't want your soul back but listen to me. You need it. Even though you think you don't, you do.'

'No, I don't. I'm doing fine without it.'

'You know that's not true.'

'You know what?' He said as he stepped around the kitchen bench and over to me. 'I don't even get why you want it back. If you just think about it properly for one damn minute you will realize I am much better like this. I might not be a whole person like everyone else but remembering who I was; this should make you happy.'

'What the hell are you talking about?'

'All the crap I put you through, every move I made; look at what happened. Me with a soul equals bad news. No one knows that more than you yet here you are with someone who won't make those same mistakes and you still aren't happy.'

Of all the ridiculous, stupid things to say. 'You are making worse mistakes now Sam.'

This reeled him back. 'No, I'm not. Like what?'

'If I have to tell you, then we really do have a problem.'

At least this made him think. At least he took the time to consider even if the next thing out of his mouth was completely unrelated. 'I want all my stuff back. You don't want to push me on this.'

'Why?'

'Why do I want my stuff back or why don't you want to push me on this?' He asked menacingly.

'It's just stuff Sam.' I shrugged, feeling the desire to take a step back from him but forcing myself to stand strong. He couldn't intimidate me, I wouldn't let him.

'I need it!' He screamed.

'And I need you! You need you!' I bellowed back in his face. 'You aren't you without your soul Sam. You are just like everything else in this room: an empty, useless piece of furniture.'

'Wow.' It was him who took the step back. 'Lucky I don't have a soul when you say things like that Dean.'

'Don't pretend you care. You don't care about anything.'

'And in this job that is a good thing!'

'This job is based on caring Sam! For the safety of others, for your own safety, for my safety. You take that away and you are nothing more than a killing machine. Nothing more than the things you are hunting in the first place.'

He gave a sarcastic laugh. 'The old Sam would cry at hearing that.'

'Will you listen to me?'

'Will you give me my stuff back?'

'If you hear me out; no taking off, no shutting down. Come in with an open mind, play it out and you will get it all back.' When he didn't move a single muscle, I continued. 'Let's just sit down and discuss it okay?'

'Fine whatever.' He had no intention of doing anything except doing what he had to do to get his things back I knew that. But as long as he started off going through the motions, I had something.

I had hit him with the only thing he could feel; the loss of his physical items which in turn affected his physical comfort. It was a risky move, leaving him with nothing, but because I was still standing and because I was still alive, I felt like I was getting through at least a little bit. Call me stupid and naïve, call me hopeful and delusional. I was all of those probably, but if there was one thing for certain, I was going to clutch onto the only thing I had.

So we sat at the dining table opposite each other. He sat back with attitude while I sat forward with vigor. He was here. That to me indicated I was almost a quarter of the way there. If I could believe he was willing to listen, maybe I could convince him of the same.

And so I began.

'The old Sam was the best person I'd ever known…'

_(To be continued…)_

_**Thank you so much for all the reviews. I have been both busy and slack in not replying to all of you individually. So sorry. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to write your comments. Thanks for everyone who is reading as well! Xo**_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

'Being a nice guy isn't a good enough sell Dean. It's just not.'

'Do you remember Sam?'

'Remember what?'

'Everything?'

It wasn't my intention, it was supposed to appeal to him, but my own words hit me like a ton of bricks. There was nothing I could do to stop my eyes from welling up with those Godforsaken tears. Sitting right across the table from me was the body and mind of the kid who meant everything to me. Yet it wasn't him. It wasn't the person I'd helped raised. It wasn't the guy who used to annoy me with his emo crap; always careful not to hurt feelings, too polite to have a joke at some weird dude's expense, never wanting anyone upset in any way. The cold, hard glint in this Sam's eyes had dissolved awhile ago and if he didn't speak, I could see my brother sitting opposite me… but it wasn't him. It wasn't really anybody.

'I remember.' Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I swore something flickered in him. It was a strange combination I thought; memories, but minimal - if any, emotion tied to them. How does one gage anything when that is one's being? How does one break through that? It was time to try once again.

'You remember the time we skipped school and spent all day racing the Davis brothers' old beat up cars around that track?' I asked forcing myself to smile at him.

'I remember not wanting to skip school.'

'And I remember you having a ball man. I'd never seen you smile so wide for so long.'

As he turned his head to the wall, leant his elbow on the table and rested his chin on this hand, I swallowed the brick in my throat. If it meant he didn't have to see me breaking, I would gladly talk to his profile again. 'If dad had've found out…'

'He would've kicked our asses. Stealing cars and taking off alone in the middle of nowhere in a town he didn't really know…' He let out a laugh. 'He would have killed us.'

'You were freaking out thinking the school was going to call him.'

'Can you blame me?'

'And what did I tell you?'

'Not to worry because you'd take the fall for me.' He sighed while I took a second out by glancing up at the ceiling. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for that kid and he knew it. Even if he couldn't feel it, he knew it.

'And what did you tell me?'

'I forget.' He lied quickly. This kind of made me happy. That, as stupid as it sounded, gave me promise. He was reacting. And at the moment, it was all I could ask for.

'You told me you wouldn't let me.'

As much as I would have done anything for him, Sammy was the same with me. We had each other's backs, even back then. There was no way he'd let me get in trouble and take the blame for something he did as well. Not if he knew. Not if he could stand up and take it. He was right; dad would have gone ballistic but every time he did, every time one of us was dealt with by him, we always knew there was someone else standing by who had our back.

I continued when he didn't say another word, 'You were such a strong kid Sam and you never really lost that. Not all the way to the end.'

'I'm stronger now.' He said softly, knowing exactly the kind of response I was going to give.

'Even if that was true, which I don't think it is, you can't really claim that anymore.'

A few seconds of intense silence filled the air giving me an inkling of hope. 'Dean,' He finally turned back to me and spoke. 'Can you please just give me my stuff back?'

'We had a deal.'

'Yeah, well, deals off.'

'No such luck man.' It shocked me right to the core when he didn't stand up and take off. Even full of soul that would be a classic Sam move, but then, when I thought about it I guessed it was still only because I had what he needed and to get it all back, he knew he had to stay. At least he kept his logic, that was something. Something making him stay. It was only a matter of time he'd understand just whose need was greater though, I was confident. So I went on.

'I know what you'd face if you took your soul back and I do understand why you don't want to. I told you myself I wished I couldn't feel anything when I came back. Sometimes I still wish for that. So I'm not denying I wouldn't be the same, but you have to trust me on this Sam. You are strong enough to take it-'

'Dean!' It made me jump when he thumped the table so hard. 'Tell me where my stuff is so I can go and get it.'

'No. You said you would discuss it. It hasn't even been ten minutes yet.'

'Did you walk back here?'

'No.' I lied. The Impala was parked not more than a twenty minute walk away. In thick scrub yes, but knowing Sam he'd find it in a heartbeat. There was no way I could risk him knowing it was so close. He'd be out that door before I could even blink.

'I'll take that as a yes.' The smart ass said and stood up.

It was time to kick it up a gear and bring it all around to where I intended to take it eventually. Much earlier than I wanted, but before I lost him for good, I had to go there.

'You remember that day?' I turned to him just as he took his first step towards the door. 'When you took control of Lucifer?' Again I swallowed. This was hard. Hard for me. I wondered if it was at all hard for him as well. I supposed so when I saw him close his eyes. 'You never really told me. How did you come through?'

'Dean shut up.' He said but didn't move. This told me all I needed to know.

'If you remember anything man, remember what we had.'

And with that he took his second step which this time led him right out the door.

oOoOoOo

I slumped back into the chair and rubbed my forehead as I listened to Bobby's words through the phone. As much as the man knew me, he sometimes just didn't. And it frustrated me. My head was beginning to pound and even though I thought I needed to talk to him about this, it was becoming clear to me that I really didn't. It was doing more harm than good and I wanted off the phone...and now. While I waited not so patiently for a break in his relentless lecture, I massaged the tightness out of my neck and rolled my head back. It was then something caught my eye out the window. To say it surprised me was a collosal understatement, so much so that I had to do a double take. But as plain as day my brother's usual walk was making its way across the car park directly towards our room.

'He's back!' I exclaimed at Bobby and straightened up.

'Already?'

'He didn't find the car.' He had nothing more on him than the clothes he left with.

'Did he have time to?' Bobby asked me.

'Not on foot.'

'Could be a good sign.'

'I doubt it.'

'Call me back. Let me know.'

A total of sixteen minutes had passed since he slammed the door behind him. Sixteen minutes of Bobby telling me it could be time to finally just give up on him and let him go. Sixteen minutes of another kind of hell.

My eyes wouldn't leave the window until the very last second. Once he reached the step, I stood up and he burst through the door.

Our eyes locked and he spoke.

'You know it was you.'

And there it was. The truth. The most joyful truth I'd heard in too long.

'I know.'

He shook his head and with a frown asked: 'Why did you go there?'

'So you wouldn't die alone.'

'But you went up against the devil himself. I wasn't even there then. Not really.'

'You were inside him.'

'He could have killed you…_ I_ could have killed you.'

'But you didn't. Your soul came through. You beat him and you saved the world.'

'You did too.' He stated still standing as straight as I was. 'You caring about me and being there saved the world as much as I did jumping into that hole.'

'I know.' I repeated and nodded, feeling those built up tears escape even though I let out a smile.

'So maybe I should care again as well.'

'Maybe you should.'

'And maybe I should be as strong as you.'

'Just be as strong as the old you Sam.' When he gave me his own kind of determined smile, I added. "We beat the devil. We can beat this.'

_(To be continued...)_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Thank you so much for your awesome reviews! They are a great read in themselves! **_

**Chapter 12**

'This is stupid.' Sam said to me slumping down on the edge of the bed and running a hand through his hair. Sitting on a chair in the middle of the motel room closing his eyes and opening himself up to his soul didn't work. Lying on the bed didn't make any difference. Nor did standing up and looking at the ceiling.

Thing was, neither of us knew the first thing about getting his soul back but for some reason - unbeknownst to me - the guy didn't want Cas here to help.

'You and me. That's it.' Was his response every time I suggested we call him.

The longer this took the more anxious I became. It felt like we had to act quickly. Being this Sam didn't allow me to relax in the security of anything. There was nothing to guarantee he wouldn't change his mind. Nothing at all.

Just as I was about to put forward another argument to summon Cas – or just do it anyway, a thought struck me. An awesome thought if I did say so myself. 'Bobby's! We should go to Bobby's!' I exclaimed with a smile slapping my pocket to ensure I still had my keys.

'No.'

'Why not?' I frowned at him even though he didn't raise his head. 'If your soul is searching for you – or me – or both of us, it would go to Bobby's right?' Of course it would. 'God, why didn't I think of that sooner?' Idiot!

'I'm not going to Bobby's.'

'Why not?'

Why on Earth did he always have to make every-single-thing so God damned difficult?

'Because it's hours away.' My stomach clenched. 'I just need to do it now and get it over with.'

'Before you change your mind?'

'Just now.' He replied concentrating on a stain on the worn, tatty carpet.

'Then we need Cas.'

Without making a move or taking a breath he simply replied, 'No.'

'Sam help me out here. We have no idea what the hell to do.'

'What about the Impala?' When his eyes glanced up at me with some sort of innocence I felt like punching him square in the face. Again. And honestly, I had to physically hold myself back.

'Are you serious?' I could only grimace. My jaw was set so tight it was an effort getting the words out.

'If my soul goes to Bobby's it will go to the Impala too.'

'This was all so you could get your stuff back?' I swear if he answered yes I would literally kill him.

'No!' He exclaimed seemingly offended at the accusation. 'No Dean. I just don't want an audience. You think this is going to be pretty? Everything's going to be rainbows and sunshine? It's not. It's going to suck hard and I don't want anyone else around watching me like I'm the lead in some crappy midday movie.'

'Bobby is family.'

'You and me. No one else.'

'Fine then no Impala either.' That was my condition. He gets his stuff back when he gets his soul back. Fairs fair. As if I was going to take any kind of risk with this – with this Sam. No way, no chance, no sir.

'Then what?'

'Google?' Sarcasm got me nowhere I know, but when there is nothing else sometimes it just lightens the mood.

And sometimes it just doesn't.

While he flung himself backwards onto the bed and threw an arm over his eyes, I silently prayed to Cas. We just needed some answers. Some kind of instruction manual on how to restore a soul to previous owner. Surely an angel was in the position to hand one out.

Even if he was though, he wasn't responding. It was exactly how Sam wanted it to be; just the two of us. Fumbling around in the dark; the blind leading the blind getting nowhere fast even though it was vital to get somewhere faster.

'You sure you're open to it?' I asked him. 'Because you really need to be open to it. You really need to want it back.'

'Shh.'

My head snapped sideways to glare at him. He was still in the same position, flat on his back and covering his eyes with his arm. What did he mean 'Shh'? I didn't ask, just felt for my bed behind me and sat down. Was something happening? Would I know if it did? There had to be some kind of bright white light or something right? Scanning the room momentarily didn't show any signs so I glanced back at my little brother's body lying limp on the bedspread. And waited.

For what I wasn't sure.

'Dean.'

'What?' I said a little too enthusiastically, eager to hear exactly what was happening.

'We have to get out of here. It isn't going to work here.'

Dammit to hell. 'Then where?'

'I think you're right. I think we have to go to Bobby's'

Finally. At last!

And so, here I was taking that risk. The two of us walking to the Impala. Me hoping to God he wasn't going so low as to fool me…and him – well, who really knew what was going on with him.

oOoOoOo

I knocked on my surrogate father's door uneasy at the reaction I was about to receive. I wondered if he was going to call me an idiot or point out I really had no clue in life – or worse, just walk out the door. Truth was, I needed him more than ever now and if he was going to get pissed with me for what I said to him next, I didn't know if I could take it.

'Dean.' He frowned looking behind me for Sam. When he didn't see him he asked in confusion. 'What are you doing here?'

'He agreed.' My mouth said.

'Sam?'

'Yes.'

'Okay.' Once again, he peered behind me. 'So what happened?'

The door handle took the weight of his body as he listened to me intently not once faltering like I had on the way over here. When I finished he nodded his head and said a short: 'Right.'

'I'm sorry.'

'For what?' He shook his head like I was in fact and idiot and opened the door wider for me. 'Come in.'

I followed him into his kitchen and watched him reach over the bench for his car keys, cap and cell phone. 'Call me when you're ready okay? Or-' He gave me a stiff smile, 'when Sam is.'

'You know the old Sam would want you here with him don't you?'

'Dean, as long as he wants you with him, I think we're doing okay.'

'I guess.'

'Anyway,' he shrugged. 'It's nothin' if not sweet the both of you think you can get him back here.'

'Stay close?' I needed to know he would be close. Using his house without him to do something this big seemed wrong and out of line even if it didn't seem that way to anyone else. I admired him for taking it so well and dreaded the sight of watching him walk out the door. Now that he was right in front of me, I wished he was staying. What if something went wrong? What if we needed his help?

If only Sam wanted him here.

'I'll be at Jack's.'

Just around the corner and up the road. Probably a three minute drive at most. I could deal with that.

'Good luck.' He gave my shoulder a supportive tap and moved past me. 'For you and Sam.'

'Thanks.'

'Call me.'

'I will.'

oOoOoOo

Sam nodded when he stepped into the house and even gave me an approving smile. This relieved my guilt of kicking Bobby out of his own home. If this worked, if it could happen here by Sam purely being more open without him, then this was a good thing. And if Bobby didn't mind, why should I?

'You getting a good feeling about this?' I asked him beaming with hope as he pulled out a chair into the middle of the living room.

'I don't really feel much remember? But I think it's the best idea we have.'

It was the only idea we had seeing as though the Impala hadn't worked either. Not so long ago, he was sitting back in the passenger seat with me by his side in an open field calling out for his soul.

Nothing.

'Okay. So how do you want to do this?'

He sat down on the chair and looked up at me. 'I'm just going to zone out or something. Just clear my mind if I can. Then ask for it back.'

'Just make sure you're open to it.'

'I am.'

This time I was sure it was going to work.

And this time a wave of sympathy washed over me.

What the kid was facing was hell. Absolute and complete hell. Hell wasn't something that left you. Not ever. Not even when you were out. Deep down well into your psyche; it was always with you. It never went away. What he was choosing to face thanks to me was harrowing and torturious yet here he was about to ask for it and invite it in. When he turned away from me and closed his eyes, I almost considered stopping him. For several long minutes I wondered what in the world I was doing. Talking him into living this kind of suffering and torment instead of saving him from it. Who would want to inflict this kind of horror and pain on their worst enemy let alone their own brother?

But then I remembered what kind of man this Sam was without his soul - I made myself think about every single one of his callous actions that I had witnessed or known about since he'd been back and even ones I hadn't. After that I thought about all the times I had recoiled at his lack of empathy and compassion for the human race. Then I shut my mouth.

His soul made him Sam, his soul made him care. His soul made him my little brother.

And so I waited…while I held my breath.

Sooner than I thought, but not soon enough something happened.

Sooner than I thought, but not soon enough Sam made a small grunting noise and a bright flash of light flew past me.

It was time.

I was about to get my brother back.

Sammy was coming back to me.

_(To be continued…)_


	13. Chapter 13

_**A longer chapter this one. Hope you don't mind!**_

_**Once again thank you for the reviews.**_

**Chapter 13**

Another groan, another flash.

The vivid glow burnt deep into my eyes it was so bright but to look away from my brother now wasn't an option. He sat still, fingers digging into the underside of the chair, a pained expression on his face. I hadn't really considered the actual act of a soul's return to be an excruciating experience, especially when it was just circling him but something was causing him pain and something was stopping the light from entering.

'Open Sam.' I whispered.

I couldn't be sure if it was my words that snapped his eyes open or what, but as soon as they did, he sprung from the seat and said, 'I can't.'

And the light disappeared.

Nonono!

'Sam sit down. Quick!'

'I'm sorry. I can't.' I watched him as he shook himself off and casually moved the chair back to the table. 'I can't do it.'

'You have to do it!' I yelled while I frantically scanned the room. No light. Where was the light?

This couldn't be happening.

'Sam! You have to do this.'

'It hurts like hell Dean! That thing is all screwed up. Just feeling it around me I can tell that.'

That was unfortunate but you know what? No.

Just no.

What I did next was out of complete desperation. I didn't really have time to think about it, just lunged my body at him and knocked him over onto the couch. He didn't see it coming so was totally unprepared and landed exactly the way I wanted him to; flat on his back with his arms splayed out. Before he could react, I jumped on top of him and pinned his wrists over his head onto the arm of the couch with an unyielding grip. My adrenalin was rushing so fast it made it easier to ignore his knees kicking into my back and made me stronger, heavier, more powerful. A force to be reckoned with. He had no hope against a determined me; no hope at all.

But with all that came the realization of what I was actually doing. Going against his will and taking away his choice. What else could I do though? If he wasn't going to take his soul back voluntarily, he had to be forced. And I had to be the one to force him. He simply could not go on without this part of him.

'Are you serious?' He yelled doing his best to throw me off. Okay sure it almost worked but my inner strength and absolute devotion to this cause kept me firmly in place. No way was he going to reject his soul. No way in the world.

'Ask for it!' I snarled into his face.

'No!' Again he suddenly jolted his body with the sole purpose to send me flying. Usually it would work but not this time. This time I sat down harder on him and didn't allow him an inch. This was going down, whether he liked it or not.

'Sam!' I called out to sheer nothingness.

'Get off me Dean!'

'Sammy!' I caught his blink at hearing me use the word I never use with this Sam. I felt his body loosen. So I looked at him. 'Do it for who you used to be. Do it for yourself.'

'Do it for you, you mean?' He asked with enough bitterness but not enough intensity. He was calming but I still didn't trust it. I still held him down.

'Do it for every reason in the world.'

'You don't understand how much it will hurt me.' He said no longer fighting my hold, just laying limp, allowing my clutch on his wrists to mark him with pink blotches.

'You trust me?'

'That's not the point. That has nothing to do with it.'

'It has everything to do with it.' I told him. 'Do you trust me?'

'Yes. You know I do.'

'Then trust me when I say we will get through this. You know I'm with you. You've been through too much not to be able to cope with this. You can do it. You know you can.'

'I can't'

'Sam!'

'I can't do it!'

And once again he began to physically fight me. 'It's out of hell.' I stated as my body jerked forward from another kick to the back. He stopped long enough for me to continue. 'You're out. You might remember, you might suffer but you aren't there anymore. You take your soul back and you are whole again and free of that place. We can fix everything else.'

At least that seemed to ease something in him even if just a little bit.

'Jesus.' He sighed after a little while.

'You ready?' I gave him a smile and a nod. He was ready, I could sense it.

'I hate you.'

'You can't hate anything remember? Not yet. You do this and you can hate me all you want.'

'I will.'

'I look forward to it.'

Only when he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes again did I release his wrists and disentangle myself from him. As much as he trusted me, I couldn't fully trust this Sam so I sat beside him on the tiniest edge of the couch ready to pounce again if need be.

Thankfully he made no move to escape and seemed to be doing a good job of relaxing himself. It gave me hope. It did. However, minutes later, once again, neither of us had moved and nothing had changed.

'Come on Sammy.' I said looking ceiling bound. 'Just come back.'

I expected to see another flash of light before a sound. That's what I was waiting for, looking out for, relying on. But no. Sam's next grunt happened first. Then out of nowhere, the light was back. Such a small light, such a beautiful sight. When I smiled it moved around me before once again circling its own body.

'Dammit to hell.' This Sam grimaced through gritted teeth.

'Don't even say that.'

'Not funny.'

'Take it in. Sam, just do it. Take it in.'

And finally, after all this time, he did. He took it in. The light spun, darted up to the ceiling and then delicately spiraled right down into him, right through his torso. And Sam, my brother – who had died too many times and been beaten, bruised, sliced and slashed at; the guy who made the ultimate sacrifice and willingly jumped into the pit …sprung upright, doubled over and let out one almighty scream.

And I, his brother, flung an arm around his shoulders; wishing I could save him from every ounce of pain and take it on myself but also just too grateful he was actually feeling something again.

His eyes, even though reflecting his agony, showed me he was here with me. There was pure emotion, pure confusion and bewilderment. A typical lost Sammy look – a look that could reach right into my own soul.

I had my little brother back. Whole Sam; real Sam.

My Sam.

'You doing okay?' I asked him trying to keep a handle on my own feelings threatening to overwhelm me.

'Holy hell.' Was all he said before he doubled over once again and clutched at his stomach. His eyes slammed shut and his groaning turned into one constant reverberation before it turned into one constant scream. I hoped beyond hope this was just a temporary side effect from soul entering body.

His arm grabbed for mine and I let his fingers burrow into my skin. I only just felt the warm trickle of blood slide down to my elbow as I kept my eyes on him. He was suffering intensely and that, really was all thanks to me. I kind of needed some reassurance that forcing this back onto him was the right thing to do.

Of course it was. Transforming a cold-blooded killer into everything my brother used to be had to be the best thing, I knew that. Deep down and even through this suffering, I knew that.

If only the screaming would stop.

'Sammy?' I felt useless. I told him I could help him but now that he was right in the thick of it I had no idea what to do to make any of it any better. So I sat there and watched him searching my brain for something fundamental that could just change everything. Make it even a little better.

'Welcome back.' I stupidly said.

Really? That's all I had.

At least he gave a small, dimpled smile through his torment. I wondered if his rocking was soothing him at all. It seemed to be allowing him to straighten somewhat. That had to be an improvement. That, i thought, had to mean something.

Just when it seemed as though his pain was dulling and silence greeted my ears, another deafening shriek erupted. This one sent shockwaves through me. It was the last thing I expected and really, it seemed louder than his others.

Sweat burst through suddenly saturating every inch of him. He was completely soaked and stupidly I wondered whether I should run out to the Impala to get him some dry, fresh clothes. That thought left me as soon as his hand shot to his head and scrunched a clump of hair; tugging at it. Trying to rip it out of his skull. My hand instantly moved to his and pushed it towards him to lessen the pressure.

"Take it easy. Try to relax Sam."

'Uggghhhhhhhh! My head!'

'It's going to pass. It will.'

I could only hope I was right while turning my attention to an ornate framed but cracked mirror leaning against the wall on the floor. It was new. Well, actually it was old, broken and kind of useless now but I'd never seen it before and made a mental note to ask Bobby what the deal was with it. Why was it here? Why was it in the house? Surely it should be thrown out. It belonged in the trash.

Catching a glimpse of Sammy's flushed yet pale face in the reflection while hearing him shriek in sheer and severe agony caused me to glance over to the window. One pane of glass had a long, diagonal crack through it and so did another on the adjacent window. I never noticed them before. Nor had I noticed the torn wallpaper or the ripped curtains. Bobby really did need to take more care. Maybe Sam and I could do some maintenance work around the place when he was better.

Better? Would he get better? Or was this it now? Suffering through constant and unbearable pain forever?

'Dean!' He called to me in desperation. Finally he could speak, even if his eyes were still closed and his body still hunched. At last he had stopped with the moaning and groaning and grunting and screaming.

'Mhm?' I could only just manage. Jesus Christ, I needed to say more than that. He needed to hear me be the strong one here.

'It's getting better.'

Good. That was good.

What made me move was him slowly spinning his legs around to place his feet flat on the floor. That I could help him with. That I could do. Relief swept over me the second his arm fell away from his stomach and his eyes refocussed while his face unclenched.

'You doing okay now?' I asked noticing I was doing a lot better myself.

'Yeah.' But that didn't last long and as soon as he took comfort in a little relief of his own, another kind of pain drilled into him all over again.

I felt like throwing up listening to his howling again.

Thank God this one didn't last as long but the second the sound stopped again, something caused a change in him. The expression on his face evolved from the scrunch of confusion to the dawn of awareness coming to land on mortified realization.

'Oh my God.' He announced as he glared at me with the pure dread.

'What's wrong?'

'What the hell did I do?'

'It'll be okay Sam, I promise.'

'No!' He said too quickly, a drop of sweat falling from his chin. 'What the hell did I do this past year? To you? To others?' His eyes widened. 'Dean, what did I do?'

And there it was, two sets of memories joining as one.

_And so a different kind of struggle begins..._

_(To be continued...)_


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

What I wanted to tell him was it was okay and to forget about it. That it wasn't him who did those things to others and to me. It was some other guy without a soul, a conscience or any empathy… or compassion. But I couldn't. Not because I didn't believe it, but because I didn't want to think about it. Ever again. Now he was back; whole and full, moving on and forgetting my time with soulless guy was top priority on my list.

'How's the pain?' I asked him even though the kid wasn't sure if all the images smashing together in his head were actual memories or something else messing with his mind. The confusion in his eyes told me it had lessened. He was too consumed with thinking about actions past to clutch at his stomach or clench his jaw.

'I killed people.' He said to himself, 'I let you get-'

'You thirsty?' I stood up worried about his hydration. All that screaming must have ripped at his throat. 'Want some water?'

Expecting to hear an answer to that particular question was probably wishful thinking but I waited nevertheless. Only to receive a mortified: 'All that really happened? I really did all that?'

'Just wait there.' Where else he was going to go when he could hardly move let alone walk, I had no idea but I was so used to not trusting him I found myself checking over my shoulder as I walked into the kitchen.

What I should've been doing was hugging the guy, telling him how happy I was to finally have him back. Yet here I was turning on the tap and filling an empty glass with tepid and murky water. And man, was that glass shaking. So much so I had to place it down on the counter and steady myself on the edge of the sink.

Breathe in and out.

In and out.

'Dean.' I heard my brother call in a voice so soft and small; it slammed me back to the here and now. In and out….and smile. Pick up the glass, turn around, take it to him…and smile.

'There you go.' He took it from my outstretched hand and gulped down a mouthful. I think he said thanks but he just as easy could have said nothing. I wasn't sure. All I felt was his eyes on me and I wondered why I was doing everything I could to avoid them. Why was I looking at that stupid, ugly cracked mirror again?

'You okay?' I heard him ask me as if I was the one who just returned from the cage.

The cage.

How long had his soul actually been out? Did he remember anything from his time in there or was his head still disconnected from that side of things? I couldn't ask him. Not yet. I didn't want to risk it all coming back and splitting him in half. He was having a tough enough time working out the rest of the crap that went down while he was gone.

'Dean?'

My smiles; he wasn't buying them. Either was I. So I sat down and forced myself to glance at him. 'How're you doin'?' I spoke before he could say another word and sat on my hands. Just so he wouldn't notice their shaking and just so I could regain some level of control over them.

'How are **_you_** doing?' He was worried. Worried about me. When really, it should have been him we were worried about. And I was. But still, that damn mirror was pulling my eyes towards it, practically begging me for my attention. And it won.

'God, I'm so sorry.'

'It's not your fault.' I mustered enough courage to tell the split right hand corner of the frame. 'It wasn't you. Not really.'

He moved only slightly but enough for me to catch the rolled up sleeve of his plaid shirt out of the corner of my eye. This stupidly caused my gaze to suddenly dart to my knees. And then to his. We both needed new jeans. These ones were old and worn. Mine were more faded with holes threatening but his lived a tougher life and were just about done. That was next on my list; new jeans. For both of us.

I hated new jeans. They were stiff and scratchy and took forever to look worn in. Felt like a douche walking around in new jeans.

'I really put you through it this time.' I heard him say while I wondered where I was going to pull the cash for these new jeans from. 'This time.' He repeated with a sarcastic snort. 'I'm forever screwing with you aren't I?'

'Like I said.' I told his knee. 'It wasn't really you.'

'Was my brain, my thoughts, my ideas.'

'Sam don't.' I expected that patronizing expression of his to hit me. One that said I'm right and you're wrong so best you just shut up right now. But what I saw when I managed to look up at him was pure and utter misery. And if anything could snap me out of my own, it was seeing him wallowing in his.

'You didn' t have a soul. Now you do. So all that; it's over. You just have to forget about it. We both do.'

'Meanwhile, you've lost Lisa and Ben and your home. And you were sticking with some guy that didn't even care about you. I can't believe…' He took a breath and closed his eyes. 'I can't believe you had to hear that.'

'It's fine.'

'And that wasn't even the worst of it.' He said as his eyebrows knotted together. 'Or was it? Everything I did was because of that wasn't it? Because I just didn't care. How could I not care? What kind of monster am I?'

'You're not a monster.'

'I should have stayed down there. I should never have made that deal. It was selfish and look at what I've done because of it.'

'Sam enough!' The boom of my voice caused him to flinch a little which in turn ignited some more pain. Why was I yelling at him? And more importantly why the hell hadn't I hugged him yet? Somewhere inside I was continually switching off the button that told me my little brother was back. But why? It was all I frickin' wanted and now that he was sitting right here in front of me, there was still a kind of weird-ass tension oozing from me. And I didn't get it. Didn't get it at all.

So I forced myself to really take him in. See him as someone who did care about me – and others, who wouldn't risk my life for some one-off alpha hunt, who wouldn't forever lie to me …someone I could trust. Or learn to trust… all over again.

All-over-again.

And it was right then I realized what was going on in my head. Trusting him. I knew I should and I knew I could. This was Sammy, my brother. The one I'd always trusted the most, who always had my back growing up… _who'd always put me first, who'd never let anything happen to me…_

When he forced himself to stand, I stood on instinct, ready to catch him if he fell. He was back to clutching his stomach and even though his face twisted in agony, for the first time I noticed how his eyes drooped along with his body; nothing like he was only minutes ago when his soul was searching for him and he was fighting me to keep it out. This version was a much weaker version, but one that tugged hard at my heartstrings.

'What are you doing? You shouldn't move. Just sit down.' I frowned at him, holding out my still shaky hands in preparation for his drop.

He shook his head and managed a footstep over to me. And before I could ask him once again what the hell he thought he was doing, his ginormous arms wrapped around me, drawing me into that exact same hug I'd planned on giving him.

'I'm so sorry.' He repeated into the side of my head. 'You know I'd die for you, right? You have to believe I would.'

I should have answered him, but I didn't. Instead one of my hands grabbed hold of his shoulder followed by the other. He let out a soft whisper of a whimper as he relaxed into my hold and gripped onto my back for dear life. We were causing each other physical pain; me with the pressure on his stomach and chest and him with laying on his full body weight, but neither of us wanted to let go. Neither of us would.

'It makes me sick knowing what you went through because of me.' He spoke when I couldn't. 'The things I did…You know I would never…'

'I know.' I finally found the capability to open my mouth and form some actual words. 'It's okay. We move on.' I told his doey-eyed face as I pulled away but grabbed onto his biceps to keep him standing. Those damn puppy dog eyes were back; overflowing with concern, regret and remorse. Those alone helped me separate this Sam from Robo-Sam. Those alone caused a genuine smile and even a little laugh. Those eyes; these feelings he was feeling just made me want to fix everything for him. Made me want to look out for him, look after him, trust him again. He had no idea why my face changed from apprehension to amusement. He had no idea the kind of effect his own eyes, when full of emotion, had on his older brother.

'I'll make it up to you. I'll prove to you that isn't who I am.' He told me still thinking he had to.

'I already know that Sam.' It was me who instigated his move back to the couch, me who helped him sit back down and me who handed the glass of water to him again. 'How's the pain? You hungry? You want something to eat?'

'You just stuck around. Even though I left you for a whole year and didn't tell you.'

'Yeah.' My own stomach tightened frther with that one. 'Do that again and I'll kick your ass.' Much to my relief he settled back into the couch and let me lift his legs to help him straighten. 'How's the pain?' I repeated even though I saw for myself the way he cringed when I sat beside him.

'Fine. A lot better.'

'Good.'

'I remember not wanting to do that. Even being the monster I was. I remember still wishing you were around.'

Let's not talk about soulless guy.

Let's just not.

'What else do you remember?' I asked him finally ready to broach the subject. 'You remember anything about just being your soul?'

And with that came my worst fear. Once again and the very second those words sunk into his mind, something triggered inside him causing his eyes to widen in horror and his body to double over in agony. Before I could do anything to fix any of it, a bloodcurdling scream of terror escaped his lungs.

One that chilled me right to the core.

Holy Jesus Christ.

_(To be continued...)_

**_I hope to update before Christmas, but if I don't; I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year! _**

**_Let's hope 2011 is a fantastic one for all of us. xo_**


	15. Chapter 15

_**Sorry for the delay with this chapter, thank you for your reviews even though I haven't replied to any of them personally! You know I love and appreciate every one of them. Hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and a fun new year!**_

**Chapter 15**

Two things shocked me; Sam nodding in the affirmative when I suggested we call Cas for help and Cas actually appearing before I got to the 's' in his name.

All I did to offer any kind of help was grip onto Sam's shoulders as he willed himself to stop screaming and watch the angel place two fingers on his forehead. All the while hoping to high heaven these healing powers were able to beat this torture. I wasn't convinced. If anything, this pain of Sam's seemed too insurmountable to conquer. My brother who could usually take a crushing beating without complaint, stitch up his own torn apart flesh and suffer through merciless experiences other people could never even dream about was losing against this particular battle.

Cas was fighting hard; channeling enough head-angel power to heal a thousand people, but no matter how deeply the angel concentrated or pressed against my brother's skin, nothing was easing the torment he was going through. And so Cas gave up before any of us wanted him to.

'I'm sorry.' The disappointment on his face told me he was genuine. 'There is nothing I can do.'

'There must be something!' I said too fast and in such a panic it freaked Sam out even further. 'I thought…'

'What?' Cas asked me when my attention turned to Sam doing his best once again to yank out a fistful of hair.

'Is it your head that hurts?' I asked leaning over the top of him.

'Everything hurts.' His groan wasn't loud but it was intense and even though he'd managed to control some of his yelling, it was just that; control. Nothing was lessening. No pain was easing.

'Dean, what did you think?' Cas interrupted, a frown indenting his forehead as he tried once again to heal Sam, just in case.

'That all his memories came back with his soul.'

'They did.' Sam answered between gritted teeth, a few drops of sweat dipping onto my right hand. 'What is this?'

'What is it Cas?' I repeated as he pulled his fingers away once more. He shouldn't do that. He needed to keep trying. Keep at it until it worked.

'It's everything crashing together. Sam, stand up.'

Even though Sam moved a foot in his attempt, the attempt failed and instead of straightening he fell into a lying position on his back. 'I can't.' He closed his eyes and grabbed hold of his stomach for the umpteenth time.

'Sam, your soul…' Cas said to him but looked at me. 'It's damaged worse than I thought.'

'No kidding.' Was Sam's even reply as he wished his way to sleep. Exactly like he used to after one of his fights with dad; just to take away some of the pain for a few hours. Just to get some sort of relief.

'Why couldn't he feel all this two minutes ago?' My words caused this reaction; I knew it and wondered if Cas was aware too. That piece of information was impossible for me to even think about let alone admit so instead of coming clean I waited for the angel's wealth of knowledge to explain just how I'd done this to my brother by asking a simple question.

'I don't know.'

Spectacular answer; so informative and insightful.

'Then how do we fix it?' I questioned as I took a step away.

'I'm not sure we can. If I can't…'

'…then no one can.' I finished slumping my own ass down on the coffee table. Following Sam's lead probably left Cas standing around feeling awkward; the two of us trying to escape this messed up situation by closing our eyes, but I was at a loss… and hearing my brother's moaning and groaning was slicing me up enough without having to watch it too.

'I'll see what I can find out.' Were Castiel's last words before I heard the familiar flutter of angel fleeting away.

'Nothing really.' Sam's raspy voice interrupted the heavy silence. When I dug myself up from the safety of my darkness, I glanced over at him amazed to see he'd managed to sit himself high enough to raise his head from the soaked cushion. That couldn't be a comfortable position. I bolted over to him, grabbed hold of Bobby's old frayed pillow at his feet, and placed it under his wet head. His hair was literally dripping from sweat and falling into his red and stinging eyes. When I shook my fingers I felt a spray of moisture hit my own face. 'I just feel…'

'No Sam.' I stopped him short. 'Don't think about it anymore.'

'You want to know.'

'Not if it is going to do this to you.'

'It's not like I knew what was going on.' He continued purely for my benefit. 'I just feel like I was lost, you know?' Another grunt, another groan. Every memory he was trying to access was causing him more bouts of agony.

'Please just stop Sam.'

'I don't remember anything else. Not from just being a soul.' He said with a little amusement on his strained face. 'Only us man. This could only happen to us.'

'Aren't we the lucky ones?' I returned the smile even though smiling was the last thing I felt like doing.

Suddenly his amusement morphed into seriousness again.

'Cas said I was searching for you. I can feel I was. Makes sense to me too, you know?' He closed his eyes again and looked away from me when he re-opened them. 'Does it make sense to you?'

'It's what I'd do.' My shrug made me appear more nonchalant than I felt. I didn't know if that was the look I was going for or not. Half of me really wanted him to quit talking – for his own sake, but the other half wanted help putting the missing pieces together. I wanted the selfish part of me to lose; that was fact, but why I wasn't really helping that along, I could not say.

'I know that.' He replied faster than I expected. 'Do you believe it's what I would do too?'

'You said you did?' No idea why I phrased that like a question. I think I was more consumed with watching his attempts at masking his hurts than concentrating on any of his questions.

'I did.'

My vague nod seemed to cause a different emotion in him. One of frustration, although I did not know why. The kid was probably overwhelmed with feeling again. God knows I was overwhelmed with him feeling again; especially when it was nothing good. Maybe he was just in a constant state of confusion. Exactly like I was.

'Dean, this is important. You have to listen to me.'

'I am.'

Again, he made a move to sit up leaning against nothing but air, straining his back and neck to stay in place. When I rushed over to assist him, he pushed my arms away. 'Don't help me.'

'Why not?'

'Just listen to me.' Finally he managed to raise himself into an upright half-sit and leant against the arm of the couch. This time his eyes wouldn't leave mine and to be honest, it was making me feel uncomfortable. I did my best to stare right back at him. Not so long ago I would have killed for this look. Now I had it I wasn't going to lose it all over again. 'You know me without a soul wasn't really me right? You said so yourself?' His turn to spin a statement into a question.

'Yeah I know.'

'So you know my soul searching for you was the real me. Right?'

'Yes.' I replied wishing he would lose this need to reassure me regarding my time with soulless guy. This wasn't what I needed even though he obviously thought it was. What I needed was reassurance that my whole little brother's pain was easing. 'How are you feeling now? Any better?'

'Yeah, better. Dean…' His body flopped down a little further. 'Down in the cage…'

Oh God.

'It was your name I was calling.'

My eyes slammed shut as fast and heavy as my breath left me. How on earth could I stop him from continuing when I couldn't even open my mouth to speak?

'I'm sorry.' I only just heard him say. 'I didn't mean…I'm not saying this to lay anything on you. I'm just saying…You went through all this with someone who didn't care about you, but that someone was someone else because all through that, I was still looking for you…calling for you…' Savage silence before his next words. 'I just need you to know that.'

I heard him shift in his seat but for once a groan didn't accompany his movement. This allowed me to finally open my eyes…Until he continued. 'I can't explain why my head worked in such a screwed up way or why I did the things I did. I don't even know what that says about me as a person. Nothing good I guess, but… '

'How are you feeling now?' Was my epic interruption.

'Okay.' He replied sadly.

'Good. That's good.'

Another typical Sammy expression hit me; one that told me he had no intention of accepting my obvious desire to cut this conversation. I braced myself. 'I know you don't want to hear this, but I think we should talk it out.'

'Sam. Not yet. Not right now.'

'Why not?' My words were wounding him further; giving him the wrong impression. He was taking my resistance as a sign of unforgiveness when in reality, all I wanted for him was sleep until Cas zapped back with a quick fix. That and a bit of time to process all of this. 'I just want to...' he went on but stopped short to think some more. And I wondered what part of 'not right now' did he not understand?

I was being a jerk wasn't I?

As much as I couldn't handle discussing it when it seemed to be tearing at his already slashed-to-hell guts, maybe he needed to. So I took a breath, turned to him and waited. His face was less crinkled and pained but the story it told was one of pure agony. His body sat stronger and controlled yet I could tell he was still suffering. Now wasn't the time, but Sam being Sam didn't agree and even though he was struggling, he was digging his heels in. And me being me, the pushover big brother I was, gave in to him and let him speak. 'I just want to make it up to you. In any way I can.' He told me as his wet hair prickled his eyes.

The kid could melt me in a second.

'You already have Sam. You took your soul back. Even though you are going through all of this, you took it back anyway.'

'That's not enough.'

'Judging by the look on your face and how hard you're grabbing hold of your stomach, I say it is.'

'Yeah well, you've always been too good to me.' I wasn't sure if the increase in his blinking was to evict his hair or not.

'Just the kind of guy I am.' I joked, disappointed when he didn't laugh back. Disappointed when a few tears escaped instead of a smile. I knew exactly what he was thinking; comparing himself to me. His guilt was overtaking his pain, that's why he wasn't screaming anymore. But what he didn't understand was comparing a soulless guy to a fully souled one wasn't actually...comparable. I think mentally he got that, understood it rationally but his emotions were getting in the way, telling him otherwise. Arguing all the morals and ethics that haunted you when you were whole and reminding him of the people he'd hurt along the way. I supposed when he looked at me, it was a cold, harsh reminder...and I knew without hesitation it was my job to get him through that and over the other side. The side of self-acceptance and realization.

First I had to accept it all myself though. First I had to actually convince myself soulless Sam could now become nothing more than a distant memory. He was gone - for good, never to return. I had to trust I'd never feel the displeasure of that thing pretending to be my brother again. Now if I could just accept and realize my Sammy was back I could convince him of the same. We could both forgive and move on.

Right now we had a lot of reason to be happy. A lot of reason to celebrate, he was back albeit hell-scarred, albeit soul-scarred, but he was here where he belonged; right next to me. Right back in this world that was always so cruel to him.

First I would have to do all that, but even before that we had to find a way to take away his physical pain. That, to me was of paramount importance.

Bobby.

Bobby would be better able to handle all of this. He could know or look into a spell that ridded newly damaged, souled people of all their pain.

Maybe it could be as simple as some kind of spell.

I darted over to my phone lying cold on the desk while Sammy wiped his eyes with the back of his hand after every fresh, new tear.

_(To be continued...)_


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

'Aspirin is all I got.' Bobby hadn't laid eyes on Sam or heard him scream out in pain so I took a breath, forgave him for that smart-ass response and continued with my desperate plea.

'There must be something. You think you could look into it? I don't want to leave him alone.'

'Of course.' His tone softened as he turned to me. 'How is he? I mean apart from the pain?'

'Not really loving life.'

'And you?'

'Not really loving life.'

After a nod and a sympathetic smile he continued on his way to the living room to check if my panicked phone call was an exaggeration. I watched his profile scrunch as soon as he caught a glimpse of his suffering and sweat-soaked surrogate son.

'Hey kid.' He greeted gently.

Sam only moved his eyes. His arms were still tightly wrapped around his abdomen, lying back with his legs stretched out over the edge of the couch. It was the position which worked best for him and we spent the last five minutes straightening him into it.

'Hi.' His guilt ridden gaze overshadowed any kind of a smile while my frown put a stop to his attempt at sitting up out of politeness sake.

'How're you feeling?' Bobby knew that was nothing but a rhetorical question – we all did - but Sam answered him nonetheless.

'Better than before.' And then added. 'Thanks.'

'Cas is trying to find some kind of cure or something.' I told him. 'You got any ideas in the meantime?'

'I don't even know where to start.' Bobby's gaze didn't leave Sam. 'I mean, it's not like this kind of thing happens a lot. I doubt there's even been a documented case.' He dragged his eyes towards me. 'I'm not kidding about the aspirin. Even if it helps a little…'

'It won't help at all.' The sudden appearance of the angel in the room caused all of us to flinch.

I had to get the guy a bell.

Seriously.

Without greeting anyone, he held out his hand towards me. 'He needs to drink this.' A glass bottle half-filled with thick, red liquid entered into my personal space. I felt my jaw clench.

'Do not tell me…'

'It's not demon blood.' He was quick to confirm.

Lucky for him.

'Then what is it?' Better be some kind of potion. A spell I could live with.

'Angel blood.'

'Are you frickin' messing with me?' I snarled, my own blood instantly boiling. 'Why would he need to drink angel blood?'

'Michael and Lucifer are both angels Dean. Why wouldn't he need to drink angel blood?'

'What's the relevance?' Bobby questioned no doubt feeling my full on tension and jumping in before I could slam our only help. Already my neck and shoulders were aching.

'Sam ingested a lot of demon blood before he took on Lucifer-'

'I remember.' I interrupted, trying my damn hardest to wrap my head around the mere possibility of feeding my brother some kind of blood. Any kind of blood was worst case scenario for me.

'So this will offset that. It will also work as medication. Angel blood to the soul. I've been told it could be the remedy.'

'Whose blood?' I questioned reluctantly eyeing the bottle. "_Reluctantly_" being the operative word.

'An angel's.'

'What angel's?' The scratchy gruffness in my voice was no surprise to anyone. This was an issue for me. A huge one. 'No angels better have been harmed in the making of this film Cas.' There was no way Sam could take another innocent death on his head. Same went for me. Not one other.

'My own.'

My eyes scanned his fully clothed body searching for any hint of a wound. 'Yours?'

'And I'm doing fine. It would take more than this to harm me.' He held it out to me again. 'Don't ask questions, just get him to drink.'

Even though the three of us turned our heads towards my brother, my brother's eyes fixed only on me. He seemed as anxious as I was.

'What do you think?' I asked him.

'What do you think?' I wondered if his apprehension stemmed from having to drink the blood or because he wanted me to agree to it. I concluded the latter.

Which worried me.

'You're sure this will work?' I asked snatching the bottle from Castiel's hand and glaring at him. 'You know how I feel about him drinking any kind of blood.'

'I know but it is the only solution I could find.'

'Side affects?' Before taking a step in any direction and deciding between my two choices of smashing it against the wall in one throw or willingly passing it onto my ex-addict, little brother I had to know all the facts.

'None that I'm aware of… But of course there could be.'

'Like what?' That's all we needed. From unbearing agony to worse. That was a deal breaker. A dead-set deal breaker.

'Nothing worse than he's going through already.'

Okay. That was something.

'This could fix him Dean.' Cas said with passion.

Bobby gave me a resigned and optimistic shrug. If it cured him of his pain it had to be a good thing right?

_Right?_

I'm sure that's what he was thinking.

'Dean, if you don't want me to, I won't.' My brother's readiness to continue suffering for my benefit mixed all kinds of emotions in me but it also gave me the opportunity to consider the whole prospect rather than spend too much time arguing about it.

'You are positive this is the only way?' I questioned Cas once more. Just to be sure.

It was a sympathetic nod but a definite one.

When I looked at Bobby for one last iota of help, he simply said: 'I don't see any other choice.'

How I wanted another suggestion. Anything.

Sam paused in silence, not looking up at me with any expectation or hope. Just waiting for my response.

'If you drink this, you promise me.' I pointed the top of the bottle in the air towards him all the while hearing the sickening sound of slushing blood. 'You promise me you tell me if it becomes any kind of problem.'

'I swear.'

'You want it?'

He nodded.

I willed myself not to look away after Bobby helped him up, took the bottle from me and handed it to him. Without hesitation Sam gulped the warm liquid down. His face contorted with the taste but it was gone within seconds. Bobby rushed a tissue over to him so he could wipe his mouth and purely to placate me; Cas grabbed the bottle and shoved it deep into his pocket.

I stood there like a stone cold statue.

Then we waited.

'How're you feeling?' I couldn't tell. I supposed his face seemed a little more relaxed but his body was still as rigid as it was before the Godforsaken blood intake.

I wanted to vomit.

I had to physically stop myself from doing so.

'How long does it take?' Bobby asked Cas who merely frowned.

'Sam?' I said his name firmer than I intended but I absolutely had to know how he was doing…and quick.

His brain was catching up. That's what it looked like to me; ensuring what he was feeling was actually real. He waited a few more seconds before sliding his feet down to the floor and smiling up at me. Before he spoke he made the attempt to stand up. I rushed over to help him, but it became apparent in no time I wasn't needed.

Cas had come through with the quick fix.

My brother was no longer trapped in his own torture.

'Sometimes…' Sam said to me, 'It's not so bad being us.'

I got what he meant. Others never had the privilege of any quick cures by higher beings. We were fortunate in that regard; always had hope and possibility...but facts were facts and most people didn't have to go through the agonizing torment of having soul returned to body post-hell either.

'Thank you.' He said full of heart to Cas while I concentrated on lowering my blood pressure.

His smile to Bobby earned him a big old hug from the man.

When Sam looked at me, he gave me a lighthearted but reassuring shrug; 'The blood tasted like crap.' And turned quickly to Cas. 'No offense.'

'None taken.' After Bobby motioned the angel to follow him into the kitchen, Sam and I were left alone. I heard the old man pull out a chair and offer the angel a beer before Sam spoke again.

'There's no way I'd want any more of that. You don't have to worry.'

'Lucifer is an angel.' I scowled. 'The devil is an angel and you just drank angel blood.' Maybe not the best thing to say to the traumatised one. The last thing I wanted was to slam him with any more guilt. He was good enough to let it be my choice as much as it was his, but if truth be known I was struggling with my part in it; just like I did on that…day...back then.

'I'm so far passed this blood drinking thing, you don't even know.'

I nodded, doing my best to focus on the positives of this situation. He was no longer in pain. Our first priority could be ticked off. Did it really matter how he was cured of it? It was high time I learnt to take the good with the bad because basically, with us, that was always the way it went down.

'Thank you for agreeing. Really.' He flung a clump of hair from his eyes with an easy toss of his head. 'I know how hard it was for you.'

Already his body was looser, his mood more content. Finally he could move, walk and talk freely. An overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness threatened to explode inside me. Blood or no blood, we were back on the path to recovery.

'You really are feeling okay?' I asked him hopefully.

He smiled. 'Yeah. No more pain. Nothing.'

Physically he meant. That was clear to both of us, but at least one aspect was taken care of. Now if only we could find another quick fix for the rest of it which didn't include any more blood consumption I would be happy. Something in me doubted that was going to be forthcoming though. Only hard yards to follow in the psyche department I was sure.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Hi! I know this story happened years ago but I have been out of (writing) action for a long time and only just remembered I didn't finish it. So, here is the long-overdue final chapter.**_

**Chapter 17**

There is a lot to be said about intense gym workouts, heavy research and killing paranormal killers for a living. They all kept you busy, kept you distracted and let you free your own personal hell memories spoonful by spoonful.

Sam welcomed my encouragement to continually keep active but, then again, he welcomed most of my ideas and advice since fully souled. Above all, his main ambition was to make everything up to me in any way he could. I appreciated the sentiment but it was also actually a relief when on the odd occasion, when he was fatigued and out of energy, a snappy retort in reply to an innocent question or an unamused scoff at one of my hilarious jokes would escape. Fragments of the old pre-hell Sam even if through just a mere sound were a huge relief. It offered me some comfort, and more importantly; some hope.

'Want to box?' I offered one intensely hot Saturday afternoon as we plonked the grocery bags on the bench of the stifling motel room. The sun penetrated my skin through a closed window and it was a crazy thought but if there was one thing I knew; the more Sam sweats the more liberated and uninhibited he became and this in turn allowed for a better night's sleep for both of us. Any night free of horrifying night terrors and listening to screams of remembered torture was a good night in my book.

'Sure.' He gave a smile and picked up the gloves from the table. 'In here or out back?'

Reaching into the fridge made me want to climb right in, but instead I swapped a carton of milk with two bottles of cold water, grabbed an old hand towel and led him out of the room hoping God would be kind to us for once and grant us some form of a cool breeze.

'I know it's hot, but push it as hard as you did yesterday, okay?' I handed him a bottle. 'Chug some of that down and then we'll start.'

His tunnel vision was impressive. In the past it was sometimes a problem, but with what he was going through now it was a savior. He could focus and turn all attention to the activity right in front of him. I was envious. I wished the same for me because all I could think about was how he was doing, wondered if he was going to just randomly collapse and die in the next second or if one day Michael changed his mind and felt the need to seek his revenge and haul him straight back to hell. So many thoughts and worries weighed me down but I never once showed him. I couldn't. Instead I did my best to keep positive, keep encouraging and reassuring, and most of all, pretend with all I had to appear strong and confident.

I was pretty sure he bought it because he never once questioned it.

Instead he worked and worked hard, every single day.

'God, it's hot.' It wasn't a complaint when he said it, more of a statement.

'I know. Take another drink.' I did too and threw him the towel. I had to give him points for pushing himself to the limit no matter what kind of circumstance tried to get in his way and obstruct him.

'Dean,' Once he dried himself off, he dropped the towel on the ground and handed me back the bottle after his final gulp. 'You know what?'

'What?' I frowned unable to read his expression.

'I think I'm going to be okay.'

The sigh of relief I couldn't hide. 'You feel better today?'

'I feel better every day.'

'Good.' I nodded as I held up my hands ready to continue. 'That's good.' His optimism was an inspiration and a support to me. 'Now, come on, keep going.'

And he did. And somehow, as I felt the strength in his punches, I knew he would. The fight was insanely strong within him. And I knew if he did, I could too. We both had our own demons screwing with our minds and trying to bring us down, but as long as we had each other, had some fight left in us and just simply kept going, we would make it…and more than likely come out stronger; together and with both souls fully intact.

Completely complete.

**The End.**

_**If anyone actually read this, thank you!**_

_**I hope to update 'The Hell Within' soon too. **_


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